Is Not a Crook Read online

  Contents

  1. No Good Reason

  2. Fur Hands

  3. Being Brownie

  4. No Teddy Backpack

  5. Gargling and Scribbling

  6. My Grampa’s Wallet

  7. The Pink Fluffy Girl

  8. I Am Not a Crook

  1/No Good Reason

  My name is Junie B. Jones. The B stands for Beatrice. Except I don’t like Beatrice. I just like B and that’s all.

  Here is a story for you.

  It is called “Once Upon a Time My Grandfather Named Frank Miller Went to the Store and He Bought Me Some Mittens.”

  Once upon a time my grandfather named Frank Miller went to the store and he bought me some mittens. They are made out of black furry fur.

  And guess what? It was not even my birthday! Or Christmas! Or Valentine’s Day! Plus the mittens were not even on sale!

  Grampa Miller just bought them for no good reason! And that is the bestest reason I ever heard of!

  That’s how come I love that guy very much.

  Plus also he can skip.

  The end.

  I like that story a real lot.

  ’Cause guess why?

  I didn’t even make it up, that’s why!

  That adventure actually happened to me! My grampa Miller really did buy me mittens for no good reason!

  And they are gorgeous, I tell you!

  When I first opened them, I got filled with glee.

  Glee is when you run. And jump. And skip. And laugh. And clap. And dance on top of the dining room table.

  Then your mother takes you down from the table. And she carries you to your room for a time-out.

  Time-outs kill the glee.

  I wore my new mittens the whole entire morning. Plus also I wore them to afternoon kindergarten.

  I wore them with my attractive winter jacket. Only it wasn’t actually cold out. Only who even cares? ’Cause that outfit looked very beautiful together.

  I showed my mittens to my bestest friend named Grace. Also, I showed them to a variety of strangers.

  After I got to school, I held my hands over my head. And I runned all over the playground.

  “LOOK, EVERYBODY! LOOK AT MY NEW MITTENS! MY GRAMPA FRANK MILLER BOUGHT THEM FOR NO GOOD REASON!”

  I waved them all around in the air.

  “HOW MANY CHILDREN SEE THESE LOVELY THINGS? RAISE YOUR HANDS,” I hollered.

  Nobody raised their hands.

  “HOW MANY CHILDREN THINK THESE MITTENS ARE GORGEOUS? PLEASE COME FORWARD!” I yelled.

  Nobody came forward.

  I put my hands back down and walked to that Grace.

  “I couldn’t create any interest,” I said very glum.

  Only guess what? Just then, I spotted my other bestest friend named Lucille!

  I ran my fastest to greet her.

  “LUCILLE! LUCILLE! LOOK AT MY GORGEOUS NEW MITTENS! SEE THEM? THEY ARE MADE OUT OF BLACK FURRY FUR!”

  Lucille petted them.

  “My family has lots of fur,” she said. “My mother has a fur cape. And my aunt has a fur jacket. And my uncle has a fur hat. Plus my nanna just bought a brand-new mink coat. Only she can’t wear it outside the house. Or else people will throw paint on her.”

  My mouth came all the way open.

  “Why, Lucille? Why will people throw paint on your nanna?” I asked.

  Lucille crossed her arms.

  “Don’t you know anything, Junie B. Jones? It’s because people who love furry animals don’t like them being made into coats for nannas.”

  Just then, I felt relief in me. ’Cause I’m not even a nanna, that’s why. And besides, my mittens aren’t even made out of real furry animals. They are made out of fake furry animals. And those kind don’t even count.

  All of a sudden, the bell rang for school.

  I zoomed to my room like a speeding rocket.

  ’Cause guess why?

  More people to show my mittens to!

  That’s why!

  2/Fur Hands

  I showed my mittens to my teacher.

  Her name is Mrs.

  She has another name, too. But I just like Mrs. and that’s all.

  “Feel them, Mrs.,” I said. “Feel how soft they are.”

  I rubbed them on her face.

  “Oooh, they are soft, Junie B.,” she said. “Be sure and put them in your jacket pockets so they won’t get lost, okay?”

  I skipped very happy to my seat.

  “Yeah, only I’m not even going to lose them,” I said to just myself. “I am going to wear them right on my hands. The whole livelong day. ’Cause I love these guys, that’s why.”

  I took off my attractive winter jacket. And sat down at my table.

  Then I tapped on Lucille with my furry mittens.

  “Hello. How are you today? I have fur hands. See them, Lucille? See my hands of fur?”

  I flew them in the air.

  “This is what fur hands look like when they’re flying in the air,” I said.

  I waved hello.

  “This is what fur hands look like when they’re waving hello,” I said.

  Lucille did a frown.

  “You’re being annoying,” she said.

  That’s how come I turned around. And I smiled at a boy named William.

  “I have fur hands, William. See them? See my fur hands?”

  I tapped on his head.

  “This is what fur hands look like when they’re tapping you on your head,” I said.

  Just then, I got up from my chair. And I skipped to my boyfriend named Ricardo.

  I tickled him under the chin with my softy hands of fur.

  “This is what fur hands look like when they’re tickling you under your chin,” I said.

  Then I grinned and grinned. ’Cause that boy brings out the best in me. That’s why.

  Pretty soon, Mrs. saw me out of my seat.

  She held my hand and marched me back to my table.

  “This is how fur hands look when they’re marching to my table,” I said.

  Mrs. plopped me in my chair.

  Then she pulled off my fur hands. And she put them on her desk.

  I did a sad sigh.

  “That is how fur hands look when they’re no longer in my possession,” I whispered to just myself.

  After that, I put my head on my desk.

  And covered up with my arms.

  And I didn’t come out for a real long time.

  3/Being Brownie

  Mrs. said I could have my mittens back at recess.

  I stared and stared at the clock. Then I tapped my fingers on my table. And I did loud breaths.

  Lucille tattletaled on me.

  “Junie B. keeps tapping her fingers and making loud breaths! And I can’t even concentrate on my work!” she grouched.

  Mrs. came to my table.

  “Hello. How are you today?” I said kind of nervous. “I am fine. Except I don’t actually have my mittens.”

  She tapped her foot real fast.

  That was not a good sign, I think.

  Only guess what? Just then, the bell rang for recess!

  “OH BOY!” I yelled. “OH BOY! OH BOY! ’CAUSE NOW I CAN HAVE MY MITTENS BACK! RIGHT, MRS.? RIGHT? RIGHT?”

  I zoomed to her desk and put them on my hands.

  Then I rubbed those softy things all over my cheeks.

  “It’s good to be with you again,” I whispered into their fur.

  After that, I put on my attractive winter jacket. And I skipped outside with my friends.

  Me and tattletale Lucille and that Grace play horses together at recess.

  I am Brownie. Lucille is Blackie. And that Grace is Yellowie.

  “I’M YELLOWIE!” shouted that Grace.

/>   “I’M BLACKIE!” shouted Lucille.

  “I’M BROWNIE!” I shouted.

  Only just then, I looked at my mittens.

  I did a frown.

  ’Cause there was a little bit of a problem here, I think.

  “Yeah, only how can I even be Brownie? ’Cause my horse paws are black. And so I am two different colors, apparently.”

  Lucille and that Grace did frowns, too.

  “Hmm,” said that Grace.

  “Hmm,” said Lucille.

  “Hmm,” I said.

  Just then, that Grace clapped her hands together very excited. “I know, Junie B.! Today you and Lucille can trade! Today Lucille can be Brownie! And you can be Blackie! And so that way your horse paws will be the right color!”

  Me and Lucille looked and looked at that girl. ’Cause what kind of crazy idea was that?

  I did a huffy breath.

  “Yeah, only how can I even be Blackie when I am already Brownie, Grace?” I said. “I have been Brownie for my whole entire career. You can’t just go changing, you know.”

  “Yeah, Grace. You can’t just go changing,” said Lucille.

  That Grace looked embarrassed at herself. “Oh yeah… What was I thinking?” she said very mumbling.

  After that, all of us sat down in the grass. And we tapped on our chins.

  We thinked and thinked and thinked.

  Then—all of a sudden—my whole face lighted up.

  “Hey! I thought of it! I thought of it! I know ’zactly what to do!” I shouted.

  I jumped up.

  “Start again, Grace! Say your name again! Say that you are Yellowie!”

  That Grace looked curious at me.

  “I’m Yellowie,” she said.

  I pointed to Lucille.

  “I’m Blackie,” she said next.

  I spinned around real joyful.

  “I’M BROWNIE!” I shouted. “ONLY GUESS WHAT? YESTERDAY MY GRAMPA BROWNIE BOUGHT ME BLACK FURRY MITTENS! AND SO THAT IS HOW COME I AM TWO DIFFERENT COLORS, APPARENTLY!”

  After that, all of us did high fives. And we started playing horses.

  We galloped. And trotted. And snorted. And snuffled.

  Only too bad for me. ’Cause the sun kept on beating down on my horse head. And I got drippity inside my attractive winter jacket.

  “I am going to die from heat perspiration,” I said.

  That’s how come I trotted over to a tree. And I took off all my stuff.

  First I took off my attractive winter jacket. Then I took off my furry black mittens. And I piled them in a careful pile.

  After that, I galloped away to find my horse friends. And we played and played.

  Pretty soon, Mrs. blew her loud whistle.

  That means the end of recess.

  “COMING!” shouted Yellowie.

  “COMING!” shouted Blackie.

  “COMING!” I shouted.

  Then I hurried up back to the tree to get my stuff.

  Only guess what?

  I saw something very terrible there, that’s what!

  And it’s called HEY!!! SOMEBODY STOLED MY MITTENS!!!!!

  4/No Teddy Backpack

  I runned all around the tree.

  “911! 911! 911!” I hollered. “SOMEBODY STOLED THEM! SOMEBODY STOLED MY MITTENS!”

  Mrs. came very quick.

  “THEY STOLED THEM! THEY STOLED MY MITTENS! 911!” I shouted some more.

  Mrs. bended down next to me. “Who, Junie B.? Who stole them?” she asked.

  “A stealer, that’s who! A stealer stoled them! And so what kind of school is this? ’Cause I didn’t even know there was crooks at this place!”

  Mrs. said calm down my voice.

  “Yeah, only I can’t even calm it down that good. ’Cause I am heartsick, that’s why.”

  Heartsick is the grown-up word for when your heart is sick.

  I looked at the ground real sad. “Now all I have left is my dumb attractive jacket.”

  Mrs. picked it up. Then she holded my hand. And me and her started to walk.

  “You and I are going to the office,” she told me.

  I quick tried to get my hand away from her.

  “No, Mrs.! I’m not allowed to go there! Mother said if I get sended to the office one more time, I will get grounded, young lady.”

  Tears came in my eyes.

  “Grounded, young lady, is when I have to stay on my own ground,” I said. “Plus also I can go on the rug.”

  Mrs. smiled. “I’m not taking you to the principal’s office to punish you, Junie B.,” she said. “I’m taking you to find your mittens.”

  I did a gasp.

  “Principal?” I asked very shocked. “Principal stoled my mittens?”

  Mrs. laughed real loud.

  “No, Junie B. He didn’t steal your mittens. The office is where the Lost and Found is located.”

  After that, she took my hand again. And we hurried up to the office.

  There is a grouchy typing lady at that place.

  I am not fond of her.

  “Junie B. needs to look through the Lost and Found,” Mrs. told her. “Please send her back to class when she’s finished.”

  Then Mrs. went back to Room Nine and left me there all by myself.

  The typing lady looked over the counter at me.

  I did a gulp.

  “Yeah, only I’m not even bad today,” I explained very nervous. “Somebody stoled my mittens. And that is the end of my tale.”

  The typing lady kept on looking at me. She didn’t say any words.

  Sweat came on my head.

  “Whew…it’s warmish in here, isn’t it?” I said.

  Just then, I heard a door open.

  It was Principal!

  He was coming out of his office!

  I jumped up and down at his sight. ’Cause I know that guy very good!

  “Principal! Look! Look! It’s me! It’s Junie B. Jones! My mittens got stoled on the playground! And so Mrs. brought me here to get them! So just hand them over and I will be on my way…no questions asked.”

  Principal looked funny at me. Then he went to the closet and pulled out a big box.

  “This is the Lost and Found, Junie B.,” he explained. “Anytime that someone finds something that’s been lost, they bring it here. And we put it in this box.”

  “How come?” I asked. “How come they bring it here instead of taking it home? ’Cause one time I found a nickel in the street. And Daddy said I could put it in my bank. ’Cause finding isn’t the same thing as stealing. Right, Principal? Finding is a lucky duck.”

  Principal laughed a little bit.

  “Well, finding a nickel in the street is different, Junie B.,” he said. “For one thing, it would be almost impossible to discover who the owner of the nickel really was. And for another thing, losing a nickel isn’t really a big deal. But when someone loses something personal—like mittens, for instance—well, that’s a very big deal. And so if someone else finds the mittens, they can bring them to the Lost and Found, and the owner can get them back.”

  He smiled.

  “And that makes everyone happy, Junie B.,” he said. “The owner is happy because she has her mittens back. And the person who found them is happy because she’s done a good deed.”

  He pointed to a piece of paper taped on the box.

  “See this? This is a poem the third grade wrote about the Lost and Found. It says:

  “If you find stuff,

  Bring it in.

  All day long,

  You’ll wear a grin.”

  I did a frown.

  “Yeah, only here’s the problem. I didn’t lose my mittens. They got stoled on purpose. And so no one will bring them in and wear a grin, probably.”

  Principal raised up his eyebrows. “Well, you never know, Junie B. Why don’t you look in there and see?”

  He opened up the box for me.

  That’s when my eyes got big and wide.

  ’Cause it was filled
with the wonderfulest items I ever saw!

  There were sweaters! And sweatshirts! And baseball caps! And gloves! And balls! And a lunchbox! And a scarf! And sunglasses! And a watch with Mickey Mouse on it!

  Also, there was a backpack that looked like a teddy bear!

  “OOOOH! I ALWAYS WANTED ONE OF THESE!” I hollered real thrilled.

  I put it on my back and skipped around the office.

  “How does it look back there?” I asked.

  Principal runned after me.

  He took the teddy off my back. And put it back in the box.

  “We’re looking for your mittens, remember?”

  Just then, I felt upset again. ’Cause I almost forgot about those furry guys, that’s why.

  “Oh, yeah… my mittens,” I said real glum.

  I looked through the box some more.

  “They’re not here,” I said. “My mittens are gone forever and ever, I think.”

  I did a sad sigh.

  Then I picked up the teddy backpack again.

  “Maybe I will take this instead,” I said. “’Cause this teddy backpack will ease my pain, I believe.”

  Principal said no.

  “How come?” I asked. “’Cause the owner doesn’t even want it anymore, I bet. Her mother already bought her a new teddy backpack, probably. And so this one is just going to go to waste.”

  Principal stood me up and turned me to the door.

  That meant I am leaving, I think.

  “Come back tomorrow and look for your mittens again,” he said.

  I talked real fast.

  “Yeah, only I just remembered something. I used to have a teddy backpack just like that one, maybe. Only then I lost it, probably. And so I better take that one home with me. Or else my mother might be mad.”

  Principal walked me to the door. He faced me down the hall.

  “Good-bye, Junie B.,” he said.

  I hanged my head real disappointed,

  ’Cause guess why?

  Good-bye means no teddy backpack.

  5/Gargling and Scribbling

  Room Nine is way far from Principal’s office.

  I had to stop at the water fountain. Or else I might not make it.

  I pressed the water button with my thumb.

  Then I puckered up my lips. And I sucked the water in.

  I didn’t even put my mouth on the spout. ’Cause there’s lip dirt on that thing of course.