Junie B. Jones and the Stupid Smelly Bus Read online

  To Cody—

  who missed his bus

  and inspired this book

  Contents

  1. Meeting Mrs.

  2. Feeling Squeezy

  3. The Stupid Smelly Bus

  4. Me and Lucille and Some Other Kids

  5. Principal

  6. A Good Hider

  7. Peeky Holes and Spying

  8. The Dangerous Nurse’s Office

  9. Zooming Speedy Fast

  10. Me and That Grace

  1/Meeting Mrs.

  My name is Junie B. Jones. The B stands for Beatrice. Except I don’t like Beatrice. I just like B and that’s all.

  I’m almost six years old.

  Almost six is when you get to go to kindergarten. Kindergarten is where you go to meet new friends and not watch TV.

  My kindergarten is the afternoon kind.

  Today was my first day of school. I’d been to my room before, though. Last week Mother took me there to meet my teacher.

  It was called Meet the Teacher Day. My teacher was decorating the bulletin board with the letters of the alphabet.

  “I already know all of those letters,” I said. “I can sing them. Except I don’t feel like it right now.”

  My teacher shook my hand. Only our hands didn’t fit together that good.

  Her name was Mrs.— I can’t remember the rest of it. Mrs. said I looked cute.

  “I know it,” I said. “That’s because I have on my new shoes.”

  I held my foot way high in the air.

  “See how shiny they are? Before I put them on, I licked them.

  “And guess what else?” I said. “This is my bestest hat. Grampa Miller bought it for me. See the devil horns sticking out the sides?”

  Mrs. laughed. Except I don’t know why. Devil horns are supposed to be scary.

  Then we walked around the room and she showed me where stuff was. Like the easels where we get to paint. And the shelves where the books are. And the tables where we sit and don’t watch TV.

  One of the tables in the front of the room had a red chair. “I would like to sit here, I think,” I told her.

  But Mrs. said, “We’ll have to wait and see, Junie.”

  “B!” I said. “Call me Junie B.!”

  I hollered the B part real loud. So she wouldn’t forget it.

  People are always forgetting my B.

  Mother rolled her eyes and looked at the ceiling. I looked up there, too. But I didn’t see anything.

  “Are you going to ride the bus, Junie B.?” Mrs. asked me.

  I made my shoulders go up and down, “I don’t know. Where’s it goin’ to?”

  My mother nodded her head and said, “Yes, she’ll be riding the bus.”

  That made me feel scary inside. ’Cause I never rided on a bus before.

  “Yeah, only where’s it goin’ to?” I asked again.

  Mrs. sat on her desk. Then she and my mother talked more about the bus.

  I tapped on Mrs.

  “Guess what? I still don’t know where it’s goin’ to.”

  Mrs. smiled and said the bus driver’s name was Mr. Woo.

  “Mr. Woo,” said Mother. “That’s an easy name for Junie B. to remember.”

  I covered my ears and stamped my foot. “YEAH, ONLY WHERE’S THE STUPID SMELLY BUS GOIN’ TO?”

  Mother and Mrs. frowned.

  Frowning is when your eyebrows look grumpy.

  “Watch yourself, missy,” said Mother.

  Missy’s my name when I’m in trouble.

  I looked down at my shoes. They didn’t look as shiny as they did before.

  Just then another mother and a boy came in. And Mrs. went off to talk to them instead of me. I don’t know why, though. The boy was hiding behind his mother and acting very babyish. I can beat that boy up, I think.

  After that, my mother sat me down and explained about the bus. She said it’s yellow. And it’s called a school bus. And it stops at the end of my street.

  Then I get on it. And sit down. And it takes me to school.

  “And then your teacher will meet you in the parking lot,” said Mother. “Okay, Junie B.? Won’t that be fun?”

  I nodded the word yes.

  But inside my head I said the word no.

  2/Feeling Squeezy

  I stayed scared about the bus for a whole week. And last night when my mother tucked me into bed, I still felt sickish about it.

  “Guess what?” I said. “I don’t think I want to ride that school bus to kindergarten tomorrow.”

  Then my mother rumpled my hair. “Oh, sure you do,” she said.

  “Oh, sure I don’t,” I said back.

  Then Mother kissed me and said, “It’ll be fun. You’ll see. Just don’t worry.”

  I did, though. I worried very much. And I didn’t sleep so good, either.

  And this morning I felt very droopy when I got up. And my stomach was squeezy. And I couldn’t eat my cereal.

  And so I watched TV until Mother said it was time to get ready to go.

  Then I put on my skirt that looks like velvet. And my new fuzzy pink sweater. And I ate half a tuna sandwich for lunch.

  After that, Mother and I walked to the corner to wait for the bus.

  And guess what? There was another mother and little girl there, too. The little girl had curly black hair—which is my favorite kind of head.

  I didn’t say hello to her, though. ’Cause she was from a different street, that’s why.

  Then finally this big yellow bus came around the corner. And the brakes screeched very loud. And I had to cover my ears.

  Then the door opened.

  And the bus driver said, “Hi! I’m Mr. Woo. Hop on!”

  Except I didn’t hop on. ’Cause my legs didn’t want to.

  “I don’t think I want to ride this bus to kindergarten,” I told Mother again.

  Then she gave me a little push. “Go on, Junie B.,” she said. “Mr. Woo is waiting for you. Be a big girl and get on.”

  I looked up at the windows. The little girl with the curly black hair was already in the bus. She looked very big sitting up there. And kind of happy.

  “Look how big that little girl is acting, Junie B.,” said Mother. “Why don’t you sit right next to her? It’ll be fun. I promise.”

  And so I got on the bus.

  And guess what?

  It wasn’t fun.

  3/The Stupid Smelly Bus

  The bus wasn’t like my daddy’s car at all. It was very big inside. And the seats didn’t have any cloth on them.

  The little curly girl was sitting near the front. And so I tapped on her.

  “Guess what?” I said. “Mother said for me to sit here.”

  “No!” she said. “I’m saving this seat for my best friend, Mary Ruth Marble!”

  Then she put her little white purse on the place where I was going to sit.

  And so I made a face at her.

  “Hurry up and find a seat, young lady,” said Mr. Woo.

  And so I quick sat down across from the curly mean girl. And Mr. Woo shut the door.

  It wasn’t a regular kind of door, though. It folded in half. And when it closed, it made a whishy sound.

  I don’t like that kind of door. If it closes on you by accident, it will cut you in half, and you will make a squishy sound.

  The bus made a big roar. Then a big puff of black smelly smoke came out the bade end of it. It’s called bus breath, I think.

  Mr. Woo drove for a while. Then the brakes made that loud, screechy noise again. I covered my ears so it couldn’t get inside my head. ’Cause if loud, screechy noises get inside your head, you have to take an aspirin. I saw
that on a TV commercial.

  Then the bus door opened again. And a dad and a boy with a grouchy face got on.

  The dad smiled. Then he plopped the grouchy boy right next to me.

  “This is Jim,” he said. “I’m afraid Jim isn’t too happy this afternoon.”

  The dad kissed the boy good-bye. But the boy wiped it off his cheek.

  Jim had on a backpack. It was blue.

  I love backpacks. I wish I had one of my very own. One time I found a red one in a trash can. But it had a little bit of gushy on it, and Mother said no.

  Jim’s backpack had lots of zippers. I touched each one of them.

  “One…two…three…four,” I counted.

  Then I unzipped one.

  “HEY! DON’T!” yelled Jim.

  He zipped it right up again. Then he moved to the seat in front of me.

  I hate that Jim.

  After that, the bus kept stopping and starting. And lots of kids kept getting on. Loud kids. And some of them were the kind who look like meanies.

  Then the bus began getting very noisy and hot inside. And the sun kept shining down on me and my fuzzy hot sweater.

  And here’s another hot thing. I couldn’t roll down my window because it didn’t have a handle. And so I just kept on getting hotter and hotter.

  And it smelled in the bus, too. The bus smelled like an egg salad sandwich.

  “I want to get off of here,” I said right out loud. But nobody heard me. “I hate it in this stupid smelly bus.”

  Then my eyes got a little bit wet. I wasn’t crying, though. ’Cause I’m not a baby, that’s why.

  After that, my nose started running. Only the bus didn’t have a glove compartment. Which is where you keep the travel tissues, of course. And so I had to wipe my nose on my fuzzy pink sweater sleeve.

  Then I stayed on the bus for about an hour or three. Until finally I saw a flagpole and a playground.

  That meant we were at kindergarten!

  Then Mr. Woo drove the bus into the parking lot and stopped.

  I jumped up very fast. ’Cause all I wanted to do was get off that stupid smelly thing!

  Only guess what? That Jim pushed right in front of me. And the curly mean girl did, too. And then people started squishing me real tight. And so I pushed them away. And they pushed me right back.

  That’s when I fell down! And a big foot stepped on my skirt that looks like velvet.

  “STOP IT!” I yelled.

  Then Mr. Woo hollered, “HEY, HEY, HEY!”

  And he picked me up. And helped me off the bus.

  Mrs. was waiting for me just like my mother said.

  “Hi! I’m glad to see you!” she called.

  Then I ran over to her. And I showed her the big footprint on my skirt that looks like velvet.

  “Yeah, only look what happened. I got stepped on and so now I’m soiled.”

  Mrs. brushed it. “Don’t worry, Junie,” she said. “It’ll come off.”

  After that I just folded my arms and made a frown.

  ’Cause guess what?

  She forgot my B again.

  4/Me and Lucille and Some Other Kids

  Some of the other bus kids turned out to be in my class, too.

  One of them was that Jim.

  That Jim I hate.

  Mrs. made us line up. Then we followed her to our room. Its name is Room Nine.

  There were other kids waiting by the door. When Mrs. unlocked it, everyone squeezed in all at once.

  That Jim stepped on my new shoe. He made a scratch mark on my shiny toe. The kind of scratch that licking won’t fix.

  “HEY! WATCH IT, YOU DUMB JIM!” I hollered at him.

  Mrs. bent down next to me. “Let’s try to use our quiet voice while we’re in school,” she said.

  I nodded nicely. “I hate that Jim,” I said in my quiet voice.

  After that, Mrs. clapped her hands together very loud.

  “I want everyone to find a chair and sit down as fast as you can,” she said.

  That’s when I ran to the table with the red chair. Only guess what? There was already someone sitting there! A girl with little red fingernails.

  And so I tapped on her and said, “I would like to sit there, I think.”

  “No,” she said. “I am.”

  “Yeah, only I already picked that chair out,” I told her. “Ask my mother if you don’t believe me.”

  But the girl just shook her head no.

  And then Mrs. clapped her loud hands again and said, “Please find a seat!”

  And so then I had to quick sit down in a stupid yellow chair.

  The same stupid color as the stupid yellow bus.

  After that, Mrs. walked to a big closet in the back of the room. It’s called the supply closet. She got out boxes of new pointy crayons and some white circles. Then she passed them out. And we had to print our names on the circles and pin them to our fronts.

  It was our first work.

  “If you need help spelling your name, raise your hand,” said Mrs.

  I raised my hand.

  “I don’t need help,” I told her. “Grandma Miller says I print beautifully.”

  I used red. But then a mistake happened. I made my JUNIE too big and there wasn’t any room left for my B. And so I had to squish it very teeny at the bottom.

  “I HATE THIS STUPID DUMB CIRCLE!” I hollered.

  Mrs. made the shhh sound and gave me a new one.

  “Thank you,” I said nicely. “Grandma Miller says I print beautifully.”

  The girl with the little red fingernails was faster than me. She showed me her circle and pointed to her letters.

  “L-U-C-I-L-L-E. That spells Lucille,” she said.

  “I like that name of Lucille,” I said. “’Cause guess why? Seals are my favorite animals. That’s why.”

  Then Mrs. passed out drawing paper. And we drew pictures of our family.

  Mrs. put a happy-face sticker on mine.

  It was very good. Except I made my father too teeny. And Mother’s hair looked like sticks.

  After that, Mrs. took our class on a walk around the school. Everyone had to find a buddy to walk with.

  My buddy was Lucille. We held hands.

  The boy I can beat up was right in front of us. His buddy was that Jim.

  That Jim I hate.

  The first place we walked to is called the Media Center. My mother calls it a library. It’s where the books are. And guess what? Books are my very favorite things in the whole world!

  “HEY! THERE’S A JILLION OF THEM IN HERE!” I hollered, feeling very excited. “I THINK I LOVE THIS PLACE!”

  The librarian bent down next to me. She said to use my quiet voice.

  “YEAH, ONLY GUESS WHAT? RIGHT NOW I JUST LIKE THE KIND OF BOOKS WITH PICTURES. BUT MOTHER SAYS WHEN I GET BIG, I’M GOING TO LIKE THE KIND WITH JUST WORDS. AND ALSO, STEWED TOMATOES.”

  The boy I can beat up said, “Shhh.”

  I made a fist at him.

  Then he turned around.

  After that, we went to the cafeteria. The cafeteria is where kids eat lunch. Except not when you’re in kindergarten.

  “Ummm!” I said. “It smells yummy in here! Just like pasketti and meatballs!”

  Then that Jim turned around and held his nose.

  “P.U.…I smell you,” he said.

  Lucille laughed very hard.

  And so I stopped holding her hand.

  The next place we went to was the nurse’s office.

  It’s very cute in that place. There are two little beds where you get to lie down. And two little blankets that are the color of plaid.

  Our nurse doesn’t look like a nurse. She doesn’t wear white clothes and white shoes.

  Our nurse is just a regular color.

  Lucille raised her hand. “My brother said that last year he came here. And you let him take off his shoes. And he got a drink of water in just his socks!”

  That Jim turned around again.

&nb
sp; “P.U.…I smell your feet,” he said to Lucille.

  This time Lucille stuck out her tongue at him.

  After that, we held hands again.

  5/Principal

  After we left the nurse, we went to the main office. That’s where the boss of the school lives. His name is Principal.

  Principal is a baldy.

  He talked to us.

  Then Lucille raised her hand. “My brother said that last year he had to come down here. And you yelled at him. And now he’s not allowed to beat up kids at recess anymore.”

  Principal kind of laughed. Then he held the door for us to leave.

  After that, we walked to the water fountain. And Mrs. let us get a drink. I didn’t get a long one, though. ’Cause kids kept tapping on me.

  “Hurry up, girl,” they said.

  “Yeah, only guess what? That’s not even my name,” I told them.

  “Her name is Junie Bumblebee,” said Lucille.

  Then she laughed. But I didn’t think it was a very funny joke.

  After that, Mrs. showed us where the bathrooms were.

  There’s two kinds of bathrooms in our school. A boys’ kind. And a girls’ kind. I can’t go in the boys’ kind, though. ’Cause no girls allowed, that’s why.

  I tried to peek my head in there. But Mrs. snapped her fingers at me.

  The only boy who got to go into the bathroom was the boy I can beat up. He was jiggling around very much.

  Then he started running all over the place. And he was holding the front of his pants.

  “William!” said Mrs. “Are you having an emergency?”

  Then William yelled, “YES!” And he ran right in there.

  The rest of us walked back to our room.

  I touched Lucille’s fingernails. She said that her fingernail polish is named Very Very Berry.

  “I would like to have my fingernails red, too,” I said. “But I’m only allowed to have the kind of polish that makes them look shiny. Its name is Clear. Clear is the color of spit.”

  “I hate Clear,” said Lucille.

  “Me too,” I told her. “And also I hate yellow—which is the color of the stupid smelly school bus.”

  Lucille nodded her head. “My brother said when you ride home on the bus, kids pour chocolate milk on your head.”