Junie B., First Grader: Cheater Pants Read online

  Laugh out loud with Junie B. Jones!

  #1 Junie B. Jones and the Stupid Smelly Bus

  #2 Junie B. Jones and a Little Monkey Business

  #3 Junie B. Jones and Her Big Fat Mouth

  #4 Junie B. Jones and Some Sneaky Peeky Spying

  #5 Junie B. Jones and the Yucky Blucky Fruitcake

  #6 Junie B. Jones and That Meanie Jim's Birthday

  #7 Junie B. Jones Loves Handsome Warren

  #8 Junie B. Jones Has a Monster Under Her Bed

  #9 Junie B. Jones Is Not a Crook

  #10 Junie B. Jones Is a Party Animal

  #11 Junie B. Jones Is a Beauty Shop Guy

  #12 Junie B. Jones Smells Something Fishy

  #13 Junie B. Jones Is (almost) a Flower Girl

  #14 Junie B. Jones and the Mushy Gushy Valentime

  #15 Junie B. Jones Has a Peep in Her Pocket

  #16 Junie B. Jones Is Captain Field Day

  #17 Junie B. Jones Is a Graduation Girl

  #18 Junie B., First Grader (at last!)

  #19 Junie B., First Grader: Boss of Lunch

  #20 Junie B., First Grader: Toothless Wonder

  #21 Junie B., First Grader: Cheater Pants

  #22 Junie B., First Grader: One-Man Band

  #23 Junie B., First Grader: Shipwrecked

  #24 Junie B., First Grader: BOO … and I MEAN It!

  #25 Junie B., First Grader: Jingle Bells, Batman Smells! (P.S. So Does May.)

  #26 Junie B., First Grader: Aloha-ha-ha!

  #27 Junie B., First Grader: Dumb Bunny

  Top-Secret Personal Beeswax: A Journal by Junie B. (and me!)

  Check out Barbara Park's other great books, listed at the end of this book!

  1. A+ May

  2. Weekend Fun

  3. Twitching

  4. Cheater Pants

  5. The Note

  6. Tin Can

  7. Pallies

  8. A+ Us

  9. Sleeping on It

  Next to me, May got her homework out of her backpack. And she put it on her desk.

  She smoothed out her paper and smiled.

  “I'm sure I'll get another A+ on this one. I get an A+ on all my homework papers, Junie Jones,” she said. “One time, my homework was so perfect, Mr. Scary sent a happy note home to my mom and dad.”

  I did a shrug. “Blah, blah, blah,” I said back.

  May did a mad face at me.

  Then she quick tapped Lennie on the back of his head.

  “Lennie, did you hear what I just said to Junie Jones?” she asked. “I told her that I always, always get A+'s on my homework.”

  Lennie turned around.

  “Please don't touch my hair, May,” he said. “I used my brand-new gel to spike it today. And I don't want you messing it up.”

  I waved at Lennie across the aisle.

  “I would never touch your hair, Leonard,” I said. “Your hair looks like an interesting glob of artwork, almost. And artwork should just be gawked at.”

  Lennie nodded. “Thank you, Junie B. Jones.”

  “You're welcome, Lennie Whose-Last-Name-Starts-with-an-S, I think,” I said.

  After that, I smiled at May very smuggy.

  Lennie likes me way better than he likes her.

  May squinted her eyes at me. “How come you didn't take your homework out yet, Junie Jones?” she asked. “You're not following directions very well this morning, are you?”

  I did a big breath.

  Then I quick reached into my backpack. And I pulled out a rumpled paper. And I pretended it was my homework.

  “There,” I said. “There's my homework. Now please mind your own beeswax, you snoopy pooper, May.”

  May's face got reddish and flushy.

  She started to raise her hand to tattletale. Only just then, the teacher called her name.

  “May? It's your day to take the attendance sheet to the office,” he said. “Would you like to come up here and get it, please?”

  “Yes!” she said. “I would love to, Mr. Scary!”

  The attendance sheet is when teachers send the names of the absent children to the office.

  I do not actually approve of that practice.

  May hurried to the front of the room.

  “I'm never absent, Mr. Scary,” she said. “I'm always, always here. Have you ever noticed that? Huh? Have you ever noticed how I'm always, always here?”

  Mr. Scary closed his eyes for a second.

  “Oh, yes, May,” he said. “Believe me. I've noticed.”

  May did a giggle. “Also, I'm always punctual,” she said. “Have you noticed that, too? Have you noticed how punctual I am?”

  She smiled at the class.

  “Punctual means ‘on time,’ everyone,” she explained. “Last year, I was so punctual, I got the Punctual Award. The Punctual Award is an award for the child who is the most punctual.”

  Mr. Scary stared at her. He said to please stop saying punctual.

  After that, May took the attendance sheet. And she skipped to the door.

  “Don't worry, Room One. I will get this attendance sheet to the office all safe and sound,” she said real loud. “Then everyone who isn't here will get reported to the principal. And that's exactly what they deserve.”

  Mr. Scary did a sigh. “Please, May. Just go, okay?” he said.

  May did a wave. Then she hurried out the door.

  After she was gone, I roamed my eyes around the room. All of the children had their homework papers out but me.

  My insides felt sickish again. ’Cause pretty soon Mr. Scary would find out that I didn't do my assignment.

  I swallowed real hard.

  My eyes kept on roaming around.

  And then what do you know? They roamed over to May's desk.

  And surprise, surprise!

  I saw her homework paper sitting there!

  It was right out in plain view, I mean!

  My heart pounded and pounded at that sight. ’Cause my brain was getting an idea, that's why.

  I tapped on my chin very thinking.

  Then, quiet as a mouse, I pulled May's paper a little closer. And I copied what it said.

  After I got done, I breathed in relief.

  ’Cause now I had a homework paper!

  I smiled to just myself.

  Then I closed my eyes.

  And I whispered thank you to May for letting me borrow her homework.

  May got back from the office.

  She stood at the door and waved again.

  “I did it, everyone! I got the attendance sheet to the office. Just like I promised.”

  She looked at Mr. Scary. “It went very well, too,” she said. “There were no problems I couldn't handle.”

  Mr. Scary raised his eyes from what he was doing.

  “Okay … well, thank you, May. You can take your seat now, please,” he said.

  But May kept right on talking.

  “At first, I didn't know where to put it. But then the secretary told me to put it in the wire basket. So I followed her directions perfectly,” she said.

  Mr. Scary pointed at her seat. “Excellent,” he said. “Now please sit down, okay?”

  May didn't pay attention again.

  “When I was in kindergarten, I got an E+ for following directions,” she said. “E+ is better than excellent. The plus sign means extra, extra excellent.”

  Just then, Mr. Scary stood up. And he took May's hand. And he walked her to her seat.

  As soon as he went back to his desk, I strained my brain for something nice to say to her. ’Cause I was still happy at May for leaving her homework out.

  Finally, I tapped on her arm. And I smiled.

>   “Welcome back, madam,” I said real friendly.

  May did a frown at me. “What kind of crack was that?” she said.

  I just looked at her.

  Friendly does not come natural to us, I think.

  Pretty soon, Mr. Scary stood up at his desk. Then he walked to the board and he wrote these words:

  This weekend, one thing I did for fun was …

  “Okay, everyone,” he said. “For your homework over the weekend, I asked you to complete that sentence, remember?”

  Room One nodded.

  “Good,” said Mr. Scary. “Because this morning, I'd like for each of you to read your homework paper to the class. That way we'll find out what our classmates do for enjoyment. Doesn't that sound fun?”

  Room One nodded again. Even if it doesn't sound fun, you still have to nod.

  Mr. Scary smiled. “We'll go up and down each row until everyone gets a turn.”

  He pointed at Lucille. “Lucille, why don't you start us off?” he said.

  Lucille sits in the first row by the window. Last year, me and her were bestest friends. But this year, we're just regular.

  Lucille stood up and fluffed herself. Then she picked up her paper. And she started to read.

  “This weekend, one thing I did for fun was … my richie nanna took me to her expensive beauty salon. And both of us got manicures and pedicures.”

  Mr. Scary looked surprised at that news.

  “You got a pedicure, Lucille? Wow! That's pretty fancy stuff, isn't it?” he said.

  Lucille shrugged. “For some people, maybe,” she said.

  She looked down and kept on reading. “Also, we each got a papaya-fruit facial. And Nanna got an herbal body wrap. Plus I got a seaweed scalp massage.”

  Mr. Scary stood there for a second. Then he nodded very slow.

  “All rightie, then,” he said.

  After that, he pointed to Camille.

  Camille is the sister of Chenille. Those two are twin sets.

  Camille stood up. “This weekend, Chenille and I made a puppet theater out of a cardboard box. And we put on a show for our little brother, Neil.”

  Mr. Scary beamed at that news.

  “Oh, that's great, girls,” he said. “I bet doing a puppet show for your brother was a lot of fun, wasn't it?”

  “Not really,” said Camille. “Neil kept on grabbing the puppets off our hands. And he made them kill each other.”

  “We don't like Neil,” said Chenille.

  “Neil is a boob,” said Camille.

  Mr. Scary just stood there some more.

  Then finally, he moved on to Roger.

  Roger was the best one so far.

  “This weekend, one thing I did for fun was … I went to get pizza with my dad. And I ate a whole entire anchovy! And I didn't throw up till I was almost home!”

  Room One clapped and clapped for that amazing story.

  Mr. Scary was right.

  It was fun to learn what our classmates did on the weekend.

  I couldn't wait for it to be my turn. ’Cause I love to talk in front of the class, of course. Plus all I had to do was tell about my weekend, and Mr. Scary would think I did my homework!

  I put the paper I copied from May into my desk.

  I didn't need it after all.

  ’Cause what do you know?

  Today I lucked out!

  Finally, we got to the row right next to mine.

  That is where José and Lennie sit.

  When José's turn came, he smiled very proud.

  He said on Saturday his daddy bought him brand-new soccer shoes. And he wore them to his soccer game. And he kicked the winning goalie with those things!

  Lennie went next.

  He said he got brand-new hair gel. Plus also, he got a thickening cream.

  “A thickening cream can make even the thinnest hair feel rich and full,” he said.

  “Whoa,” I said.

  “Whoa,” said Herb and José.

  Whoa is what we say to be supportive.

  May sits behind Lennie.

  She stood up. And she read her paper real loud.

  “This weekend, one thing I did for fun was … on Saturday, I made a pot in my pottery class. And after that, I was punctual to my ballet class. And the teacher said I danced like a gazelle!”

  Mr. Scary did a chuckle. “A gazelle, huh?” he said. “A gazelle is a very graceful animal, isn't it?”

  “Yes,” said May. “Would you like to see me do a few steps?”

  After that, she ran to the front of the room. And she started to ballet. But Mr. Scary said to please sit down again.

  As soon as she got back, I jumped right up.

  “My turn! My turn!” I said real thrilled.

  I tapped on my chin. “Okay, well, let's see now … on Saturday my grampa Frank Miller came to baby-sit me. And he let me roller-skate in the house. Plus also, he let me jump on Mother's bouncy bed. Only pretty soon, I got very pooped. And so I ran into the kitchen. And I drank chocolate milk right out of the carton. Without even a glass, I mean!”

  “Whoa!” said Herb.

  “Whoa!” said Lennie and José.

  Mr. Scary raised his hand to interrupt me.

  “Uh … excuse me, Junie B.,” he said. “It sounds like you had a great time on Saturday. But I'm wondering why you're not reading from your homework paper.”

  Just then, my heart got poundy and nervous. ’Cause I should have thought about that problem.

  I swallowed real hard. “Um, uh … well, let's see,” I said kind of quiet. “Why aren't I reading?”

  Mr. Scary smiled. “It's all right,” he said. “You can start over. Just take out your paper and read us what you wrote.”

  After that, I stood there very frozen. And I couldn't even move.

  Mr. Scary crossed his arms at me.

  “You do have a homework paper, don't you, Junie B.?” he asked next.

  I stood there a little while longer.

  Then finally, I reached into my desk. And I pulled out the homework I copied from May.

  I waved it in the air kind of weakish.

  “Here it is,” I said. “Here's my homework paper. See it? It's right here.”

  Mr. Scary nodded. “Yes. Good. Now could you read it for us, please?” he asked.

  I took a deep breath.

  Then I looked down at my paper.

  And I read it silently … to just myself.

  “Okay. Done,” I said.

  After that, I quick sat down. And I stuffed the paper back into my desk.

  Mr. Scary came back to where I sit.

  He said could he please see my paper?

  I felt shaky and sickish inside.

  Very slow, I took out my paper again. And I handed it over.

  After he read it, he shook his head.

  Then he took my hand. And he walked me into the hall.

  “It seems that you and May had very similar weekends. Doesn't it, Junie B.?” he said.

  I did a gulp. “Yes,” I said. “It does.”

  Mr. Scary read my paper once more.

  “So … you take a pottery class, do you?” he said.

  I rocked back and forth on my feet.

  “Yup, yup. I do,” I said. “I take a pottery class. And I make little … well, you know … pots.”

  Mr. Scary breathed real deep.

  “And let's see, you take a ballet class, too, huh?” he said. “And gee, what a coincidence … on Saturday your teacher said you danced like a—”

  “Gazill,” I said very fast.

  “Gazelle,” said Mr. Scary.

  “Whatever,” I said.

  My teacher sucked in his cheeks and looked at the paper again.

  “And you were punctual, too,” he said. “That's amazing, isn't it?”

  I looked up at him.

  “Well, you know … not if you get an early start,” I said real soft.

  Mr. Scary bent down next to me. His face was not jolly.

/>   “Junie B. Jones, do you have any idea how disappointed I am in you right now?”

  Just then, tears came in my eyes. And I didn't even expect that trouble.

  I quick hanged my head so he couldn't see.

  “Sorry,” I said. “Sorry you're disappointed.”

  Mr. Scary took a big breath. He said we would talk more at recess.

  Then he gave me a tissue from his pocket. And I wiped my tears.

  After that, we went back into the room.

  I sat down at my desk very slumping.

  ’Cause what do you know?

  I didn't luck out after all.

  Mr. Scary was writing at his desk.

  He looked up and called my name.

  “Junie B.?” he said. “I'm ready for you now. Could you bring your chair up here, please?”

  My stomach flipped and flopped. ’Cause here came the yelling part, that's why.

  I did some deep breaths.

  Then I pulled my chair to the front of the room. And I sat down next to him.

  Mr. Scary took my homework paper out of his drawer. He set it in front of me very serious.

  “I want you to explain this, Junie B.,” he said. “I want you to tell me exactly why you copied May's homework this morning.”

  I tried to swallow, but nothing went down.

  “Um, well, let's see … the reason I copied was … was …”

  I tapped on my chin.

  Then, all of a sudden … I thought of it!

  “Daddy!” I said. “It was my daddy's fault!”

  My teacher looked surprised at that answer.

  “Your daddy?” he said. “Your daddy told you to copy May's homework?”

  “Yes,” I said. “I mean, no. I mean, last night I wanted to stay up late to do my homework. But Daddy turned out my light. And so he is the reason that I had to come to school without it.”

  “Ohhhh … I see,” said my teacher. “Your daddy wouldn't let you stay up. So that's what forced you to copy May's paper.”

  I nodded real fast. “Yes,” I said. “That's exactly it.”

  Mr. Scary raised his eyebrows. “So did May actually give you her paper to copy?” he asked next.

  I rolled my eyes at that crazy question.

  “No, silly. May would never be that nice,” I said. “It's just that this morning she kept on bragging about how her homework is always an A+. And then she left the paper on top of her desk when she went to the office. And that is just asking for trouble, mister.”