Loves Handsome Warren Read online

  Contents

  1. Handsome Warren

  2. Pigs

  3. Not a Nutball

  4. Fibers

  5. Hurray for Princess Clothes!

  6. Speechless

  7. Knock Knock

  1/Handsome Warren

  My name is Junie B. Jones. The B stands for Beatrice. Except I don’t like Beatrice.

  I just like B and that’s all.

  I am in the grade of kindergarten.

  My room is named Room Nine.

  I have two bestest friends at that place.

  One of them is named Lucille.

  She is way beautifuller than me. That’s because her nanna buys her fancy dresses. Plus also she has lacy socks with ribbons on them.

  My other friend is named Grace. Me and that Grace ride the school bus together.

  She has my favorite kind of hair. It is called automatically curly.

  Also, she has pink high tops. And fast feet.

  That Grace is the fastest runner in all of kindergarten.

  She wins me at all of our races.

  I am a good sport about it. Except for sometimes I call her the name of cheater pants.

  Me and that Grace and Lucille play horses together before school.

  Horses is when you gallop. And trot. And snort.

  I am Brownie. Lucille is Blackie. And that Grace is Yellowie.

  Only today, me and that Grace couldn’t find Lucille anywhere.

  We looked all over the place for her.

  “Darn it,” I said. “Now we can’t play horses that good. ’Cause two horses isn’t as fun as three horses.”

  “Maybe she’s just late,” said that Grace. “Or else maybe something went wrong at her house.”

  I tapped on my chin very thinking.

  “Yes,” I said. “Maybe her grampa brought a parrot to her house. And Lucille was getting dressed for school. And then the parrot flew into her room. And he got all tangled up in her hair. And so her grampa had to call 911. And a real live fireman came to her house. And he cut the parrot out of her hair with scissors. Only that left a teeny baldy spot. But guess what? If you wear a big bow, nobody can even tell the difference.”

  That Grace looked curious at my big bow.

  I did a gulp.

  “Yeah, only pretend I didn’t even tell you that,” I said very soft.

  After that, me and that Grace looked for Lucille some more.

  And guess what?

  I spotted her! That’s what!

  “HEY, GRACE! I SEE HER! I SEE LUCILLE! SHE IS RUNNING PAST THE WATER FOUNTAIN!”

  That Grace spotted her, too.

  “HEY! SOMEBODY’S CHASING HER, JUNIE B.!” she yelled. “WHO IS THAT BOY? WHO IS THAT BOY WHO IS CHASING LUCILLE?”

  I squinted my eyes very harder.

  “IT IS AN EVIL STRANGER BOY, GRACE!” I shouted back. “AN EVIL STRANGER BOY IS CHASING LUCILLE! AND SO NOW YOU AND ME WILL HAVE TO SAVE HER!”

  I waved my arm in a fast circle.

  “Come on, Yellowie! Let’s go! Let’s go save Lucille!”

  Then me and that Grace springed into action!

  We galloped our fastest after the stranger!

  That Grace caught up to him speedy quick.

  She shooed her arms all around.

  “GO AWAY, BOY! GO AWAY AND LEAVE LUCILLE ALONE!” she shouted.

  “YES!” I yelled. “LEAVE LUCILLE ALONE! OR I WILL TELL PRINCIPAL ON YOU! ’CAUSE ME AND HIM ARE PERSONAL FRIENDS. AND HE WILL POUND YOUR HEAD!”

  After that, me and that Grace kept on shooing our arms until he ran away.

  Then we did a high five.

  “HURRAY!” we shouted. “HURRAY! HURRAY! WE SAVED LUCILLE FROM THE EVIL STRANGER BOY!”

  All of a sudden, Lucille came stomping at us very angry.

  “WHY DID YOU DO THAT?” she hollered. “WHY DID YOU CHASE THAT BOY AWAY? NOW YOU’VE RUINED EVERYTHING!”

  Me and that Grace looked surprised at her.

  “But we thought you wanted us to do that,” said that Grace.

  “We saved you from the evil stranger boy,” I explained very proud.

  Lucille did a mad breath.

  “He is not an evil stranger boy, Junie B.! He’s a new kid in Room Eight. And his name is Warren! And he’s the handsomest boy I ever saw! He’s even been in a TV commercial before!”

  Me and that Grace raised up our eyebrows.

  “He has?” said that Grace.

  “He’s been in a TV commercial before?” I said.

  That Grace stood on her tippy-toes.

  “Where did he go? I didn’t even get a good look at him,” she said.

  “Me too,” I said. “I didn’t get a good look at him, too. How handsome is he, Lucille? Is he handsome like a movie star?”

  Just then, that Grace jumped up and down very excited.

  “THERE HE IS! THERE HE IS! HE’S OVER THERE UNDER THAT TREE! SEE HIM, JUNIE B.? SEE HIM?”

  I squinted my hardest at that guy.

  Then my eyes practically popped out of my head!

  ’Cause he was handsome like a movie star! That’s why!

  “Wowie-wow-wow! What a chunk!” I said. “I would like him for my new boyfriend, I think!”

  Lucille made angry eyes at me.

  “No!” she hollered. “Don’t say that, Junie B.! He can’t be your boyfriend. He can only be my boyfriend. ’Cause I saw him first!”

  I thought it over very careful.

  “Yeah, only here’s the problem, Lucille,” I said. “Me and Grace didn’t actually get a crack at him yet.”

  “Yeah,” said that Grace. “We definitely need a crack at him. And so now you have to introduce us.”

  Lucille stamped her foot.

  “No!” she yelled. “No! No! No! ’Cause you guys will steal him away from me! And that’s not even fair! Plus, Junie B. already has a boyfriend. Remember, Junie B.? You already have Ricardo! Remember?”

  I did another peek at Handsome Warren.

  “Yeah, only I think I may be ready to move on,” I said very quiet.

  That’s when Lucille’s face got boiling mad. And she stomped away from us speedy quick.

  Only me and that Grace didn’t even care.

  We just kept peeking and peeking at that handsome boy.

  ’Cause he was beauty to our eyes.

  2/Pigs

  Lucille sits next to me in Room Nine.

  I kept on being nice to her.

  ’Cause I wanted to meet that handsome boy, of course.

  “Want to be friends again, Lucille? Huh? Want to be friends like we used to be? That would be nice of us, don’t you think?”

  “No,” said Lucille. “You only want to be friends so you can steal my new boyfriend.”

  I did a big breath at her.

  “Yeah, only how can I even steal him, Lucille?” I asked. “’Cause you are way beautifuller than me. Remember that? Remember how beautifuller than me you are?”

  Lucille remembered.

  She fluffed herself.

  Then she showed me her new lacy socks.

  “Eight dollars and fifty cents…not including tax,” she said.

  I bugged out my eyes at them.

  “Wowie-wow-wow. Those are some fancy feet you have there, madam!” I said.

  After that, I showed Lucille my socks, too.

  “See, Lucille? See mine? They are very sagging and droopy. That’s because last night me and my dog Tickle played tug-of-war with those things. And he got drooly on them.”

  Lucille made a face.

  “Eew,” she said.

  “I know they are eew,” I said back. “That’s what I’ve been trying to tell you, Lucille. I am a big pig. And so how can I even steal your boyfriend?”


  Just then, Lucille looked nicer at me.

  I scooted my chair close to her.

  “Now we are friends again! Right, Lucille? Right?” I said. “And so now you can introduce me to Handsome Warren. ’Cause I won’t even steal that guy.”

  Lucille fluffed herself some more.

  “I don’t know…I’ll think about it,” she said.

  I clapped my hands real thrilled.

  Then I quick stood up on my chair.

  “GRACE! HEY, GRACE!” I hollered. “LUCILLE SAID SHE’LL THINK ABOUT IT!”

  Just then, I heard a different voice.

  “JUNIE B. JONES! WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING?”

  It was my teacher.

  Her name is Mrs.

  She has another name, too. But I just like Mrs. and that’s all.

  I smiled kind of nervous.

  “I am trying to get a message to Grace,” I said very soft.

  Mrs. hurried up to my table.

  “Never ever stand up in your chair, Junie B.,” she said. “You could fall off and break something.”

  “Yeah!” shouted a meanie boy named Jim. “She could break the floor with her hard head!”

  I made a fist at that kid.

  “PLUS ALSO I COULD BREAK YOUR WHOLE ENTIRE BEAN BRAIN!” I hollered back.

  Mrs. plopped me back in my seat.

  “That’s enough,” she grouched. “I mean it, Junie B. Not one more word.”

  After that, I stayed in my chair very good. And I did my work.

  I did my spelling.

  And my arithmetic.

  And my printing.

  Also, I drew a sausage patty on my arm.

  Only that wasn’t even an assignment.

  That is called working on your own.

  Pretty soon, Mrs. clapped her loud hands together.

  “Okay, everyone. It’s almost time for recess. Pass in your papers and line up at the door.”

  Mrs. looked at me.

  “And please…let’s be ladies and gentlemen about it.”

  Ladies and gentlemen means No Trampling Thy Neighbor.

  It is a Ten Commandments, I think.

  Me and Lucille held hands.

  “Now you’re gonna introduce me. Right, Lucille? Now I’m gonna get to meet that handsome boy.”

  Just then, that Grace runned up behind us.

  I was happy to see her.

  “Grace! Grace! Guess what? Lucille is going to introduce us to Handsome Warren! ’Cause you and me are big pigs, that’s why!”

  That Grace looked upset at me.

  “I am not a big pig,” she said.

  I quick whispered in her ear. “Yeah, only we’re not really big pigs, Grace. We just have to say we’re big pigs. Or else Lucille thinks we will steal her boyfriend. Get it?”

  That Grace got it.

  “I am a giant stink hog,” she said to Lucille.

  And so after that, all of us skipped to the swing set very happy.

  We sat down. And waited for Room Eight to come out.

  We waited a real long time.

  Then all of a sudden, Room Eight opened their door! And Handsome Warren came out of there!

  Lucille runned to him and grabbed his hand.

  She pulled him to the swings to meet us.

  “That is Grace. And that is Junie B. Jones,” she said to Handsome Warren.

  He waved very cute and friendly.

  I quick hided behind my hands.

  ’Cause all of a sudden I felt shy of that guy.

  I peeked through my fingers.

  “Peekaboo. I see you,” I said.

  Then I laughed and laughed. ’Cause I’m a laugh a minute, that’s why.

  I kept on laughing at that funny joke.

  Only too bad for me.

  ’Cause after while, I couldn’t even stop.

  I was out of control, I think.

  I holded my sides and fell on the ground.

  Then I rolled and laughed and rolled and laughed. All around in the grass.

  Handsome Warren looked nervous of me.

  He backed up.

  “What a nutball,” he said very soft.

  Then he turned around. And walked away.

  And Lucille and that Grace walked with him.

  3/Not a Nutball

  Mrs. blew her whistle.

  That means come in from recess.

  Lucille and that Grace ran to get me.

  ’Cause I was still in the grass, that’s why.

  Lucille was happy and sparkly.

  “Didn’t you love him, Junie B.? Wasn’t he so handsome? He was even handsomer up close, don’t you think? He was nice, too. Wasn’t he nice?”

  That Grace was happy and sparkly, too.

  “He said he liked my high tops,” she told me.

  “He said he liked my dress,” said Lucille.

  “He said I was a nutball,” I said.

  Lucille twirled all around.

  “Not me,” she said. “He didn’t say I was a nutball. That’s because he loves me!”

  That Grace jumped high in the air.

  “Me too! He loves me, too!” she said real squealy.

  Just then, Lucille stopped twirling.

  She crossed her arms.

  “No, Grace,” she said. “He does not love you, too. He only loves me. ’Cause I saw him first. And you’re not allowed to steal him away, remember?”

  That Grace crossed her arms, too.

  “I’m not stealing him away, Lucille. He just automatically loves me on his own. And there’s nothing I can do about it,” she said.

  I tugged on Lucille’s dress.

  “How come he said I was a nutball, do you think? Why did he have to say that dumb thing?”

  Lucille didn’t pay attention to me. She kept on being mad at that Grace.

  “I knew it!” she grouched. “I knew this was going to happen, Grace! You’re trying to steal my boyfriend! Junie B. said you wouldn’t! But you are!”

  She looked down at me.

  “Tell her, Junie B.! Tell Grace she can’t steal my boyfriend!”

  I looked curious at her.

  “I am not a nutball. Am I? Am I a nutball?” I said. “I am not a nutball.”

  Just then, that Grace leaned close to Lucille’s nose.

  “I CAN LOVE ANYBODY I WANT TO, LUCILLE!” she hollered in her face.

  “NO, YOU CANNOT, GRACE!”

  “YES, I CAN, TOO, LUCILLE!”

  I tapped on both their ankles.

  “How many think I’m a nutball? Raise your hand,” I said.

  Just then, Mrs. blew her whistle again.

  And so I stood up from the grass. And I walked to Room Nine all by myself.

  ’Cause I couldn’t stop thinking about being a nutball, that’s why.

  I thought about it the whole rest of the day.

  I didn’t even talk.

  Not at Show-and-Tell.

  Not at snacktime.

  Not even when I got on the bus to ride home.

  That Grace sat down next to me. She was happy and sparkly again.

  “I know he loves me better than Lucille,” she said. “I’m positive he does. And he hasn’t even seen how fast I can run yet.”

  She poked me with her finger.

  “Who do you think he likes better? Me or Lucille? And tell the truth,” she said.

  I still didn’t talk.

  That Grace jiggled me.

  “How come you’re not talking, Junie B.?” she asked. “How come you’re not answering me? Are you sick? Do you have a sore throat?”

  Just then, her eyes opened real wide. And her whole mouth came open.

  “Ohhhhh…I know why you’re not talking. It’s because you’re upset, right? You’re upset that you’re a nutball.”

  I spinned around at her very quick.

  “I am not a nutball, Grace! I am just a regular normal girl. And I don’t even know why that boy had to call me that!”

  “I do,” said that Gr
ace. “I know why he called you that. It’s because you couldn’t stop laughing. And you fell in the grass. And you rolled all around down there.”

  I stared at her.

  “Yeah? So?” I said.

  “So that’s how nutballs act,” said that Grace. “And I should know. ’Cause I have a nutball right in my own personal family.”

  I raised up my eyebrows.

  “You do?” I said.

  “Yes,” she said. “My two-year-old brother Jeffie is a nutball. Every time we go to the mall, we have to put him on a leash. Or else he tackles people. And then he hides in the clothes and Security has to come.”

  She looked at me very suspicious.

  “Did you ever do that, Junie B. Jones? Hmmm? Did you ever tackle people? And hide in the clothes and Security had to come?”

  I quick looked away from her.

  ’Cause that is my own personal beeswax.

  “Jeffie’s not allowed to eat sugar cereal anymore, either,” said that Grace. “My mother thinks the sugar gets him all jazzied up.”

  She raised one eyebrow very curious.

  “Do you eat sugar cereal for breakfast, Junie B.? Hmmm? Do you?” she asked.

  I looked away again.

  ’Cause guess what?

  More of my own personal beeswax. That’s what.

  4/Fibers

  It was the next morning.

  I gave Tickle my sugar cereal.

  I gave him my Sweetie Puffs. And my Crackle Berries. And my Happy Smacky Flakes.

  He loved eating that stuff very much.

  Then he runned in the living room. And he throwed up on the rug.

  Mother screamed real loud.

  That’s how come I hided under the sink. But she and Daddy found me there.

  They did not handle theirselves that professional.

  “WHY, JUNIE B.? WHY WOULD YOU DO SUCH A THING!” shouted Daddy very loud.

  “DO WE HAVE TO WATCH YOU EVERY MINUTE?” shouted Mother very loud.

  Just then, my grandma Helen Miller walked in the front door.

  “Grandma Miller! Grandma Miller! I love you! I love you!” I shouted.

  Then I runned to her speedy fast. And I hided in her coat till Mother and Daddy left for work.

  After that, my grandma let me pick a new cereal to eat.

  I picked a grown-up kind.

  It was the kind with fibers in it.

  “This kind is good for me. Right, Grandma? This kind won’t even jazzy me up.”