Junie B. Jones and the Stupid Smelly Bus Read online

  Then all of a sudden my stomach felt very squeezy again. ’Cause I had to ride the bus home, that’s why.

  “Why did you have to tell me that for, Lucille?” I said kind of grouchy.

  After we got back to Room Nine, we did some more work. It was a game to help us learn each other’s names.

  I learned Lucille. And also a girl named Charlotte. And another girl named Grace. Then I learned a boy named Ham—which we eat at Grandma Miller’s.

  Pretty soon Mrs. clapped her loud hands together.

  “Okay, everyone. Gather up your things. It’s almost time for the bell.”

  Then I heard a noise in the parking lot. It was screechy brakes. And so I looked out the window. And I saw the school bus.

  It was coming to get me!

  “Oh no!” I said kind of loud. “Now I’m going to get chocolate milk poured on my head!” Then I chewed on my fingers.

  “Get in line! Get in line!” said Mrs. “When we get outside, I want all of my bus students to come with me. The rest of you must go to the crossing guard.”

  Everyone was lining up. I was the very last one.

  Just then the bell rang and Mrs. marched out the door. Then everybody else marched out, too.

  Except guess what?

  I didn’t.

  6/A Good Hider

  When you’re the very last one in line, nobody watches you. That’s how come nobody saw me when I ducked behind the teacher’s desk and hid.

  I’m a good hider.

  One time at Grandma Miller’s house, I hid under the kitchen sink. Then I made a growly sound and sprung out at her.

  I’m not allowed to do that anymore.

  Anyway, I stayed scrunched behind the teacher’s desk for a while. And then I saw a better place to hide. It was the big supply closet in the back of the room.

  And so I ran back there very fast. And I squeezed onto the bottom shelf. I squeezed right on top of the construction paper.

  Most of me was comfortable. Except my head was sort of very tight. And my knees were all bended. Like when I do a somersault.

  Then I pulled the door mostly closed.

  “Don’t shut it all the way, though. And I mean it,” I said right out loud.

  I stayed real quiet for lots of minutes. Then I heard noises in the hall. And some feet came running into the room. Big people’s feet, I think.

  “What happened?” I heard someone ask.

  “One of my little girls is lost,” said a voice that sounded like Mrs. “Her name is Junie B. Jones. And she didn’t get on the bus. So now we’ve got to go out looking for her.”

  Then I heard some keys jingle. And the feet went running out again. And men the door shut.

  I still didn’t come out of the closet, though. When you’re a good hider, you can’t come out for a very, very long time.

  I just stayed mere all bended up. And I told myself a story. Not an out-loud story. I just told it inside my head. It was called “The Little Hiding Girl.”

  I made it up. And this is how it went:

  Once upon a time there was a little hiding girl. She was in a secret spot where nobody could find her. Except her head was very tight. And her brain was squishing out.

  But she still couldn’t come out of her spot. Or a smelly yellow monster would get her. And also, some meanies with chocolate milk.

  The end.

  After that, I rested my eyes.

  Resting your eyes is what my grampa does when he watches TV after dinner. Then he snores. And Grandma Miller says, “Go to bed, Frank.”

  It’s not the same thing as a nap, though. ’Cause naps are for babies, that’s why.

  And anyway, I didn’t snore. I just did a little drool.

  Then finally when my eyes were done resting, they woke up.

  And so I came out of the closet and ran right to the window. And guess what? There weren’t any cars in the parking lot. And no stupid smelly bus, either!

  “Whew! That’s a relief,” I said.

  A relief is when your stomach doesn’t feel squeezy anymore.

  After that, I went back to the closet. ’Cause while I was hiding, I sniffed the smell of clay, that’s why. And clay is my very favorite thing in the whole world!

  “Hey! I see it up there!” I said.

  The clay was on the middle shelf. I stood on a chair to get it.

  It was blue and stiff. And so I had to roll it on the floor to make it soft and warm. Then I rolled it into a blue orange. It was very beautiful. Except it had some dirt and hair on it.

  After I was done, I went to the front of the room and sat down in my teacher’s big chair. I like teachers’ desks very much. The drawers are so big I could fit in one, I think.

  I opened up the top one. There were happy-face stickers. And rubber bands. And also, gold stars—which I love a very lot.

  I stuck one on my forehead.

  Then I found paper clips. And red marking pens. And new pencils with no points. And scissors. And travel tissues. And guess what else?

  “Chalk!” I said. “Brand-new chalk that’s not even out of its little box yet!”

  Then I stood up on my teacher’s chair and clapped my hands together very loud.

  “I want everyone to find a chair and sit down! Today we are going to learn some alphabet and some reading. And also, I will teach you how to make a blue orange. But first, everyone has to watch me draw stuff.”

  Then I went to the board and drew with my brand-new chalk. I drew a bean and a carrot and some curly hair.

  Then I wrote some O’s.

  O’s are my bestest letter.

  After that, I bowed. “Thank you very much,” I said. “Now you may all go out for recess…”

  I smiled.

  “Except for not that Jim.”

  7/Peeky Holes and Spying

  After a while, I started to get a little bit thirsty. That’s what happens when chalk sprinkles get in your throat.

  “I would like a drink of water, I think,” I said.

  Then I put my hands on my hips. “Yeah, only what if somebody sees you at the water fountain? Then they might call the stupid smelly bus to come get you. And so you better not go.”

  I stamped my foot. “Yeah, only I have to go! ’Cause there’s dumb chalk in my throat!”

  Then all of a sudden I got a great idea! I pulled a chair over to the door. And I peeked out the window at the top!

  I’m a good peeker.

  One time I peeked right into Grampa Miller’s mouth when he was sleeping. And I saw that dangly thing that hangs down in the back. I didn’t touch it, though. ’Cause I didn’t have a little stick or anything, that’s why.

  Anyway, I didn’t see anybody in the hall. And so I opened the door a crack. And I sniffed. ’Cause when you sniff, you can smell if there’s people around.

  I learned sniffing from my dog, Tickle. Dogs can smell everything. People can mostly just smell big smells. Like stink and flowers and dinner.

  “Nope. Don’t smell anyone,” I said.

  Then I ran to the water fountain and I drank for a long time. And nobody tapped on me and said, “Hurry up, girl.”

  After that, I stood on my tippy-toes. And I tippy-toed to the Media Center. ’Cause I love that place! Remember?

  The Media Center is kind of like a fort. The shelves are like walls. And the books are sort of like bricks. And you can move some of them around and make peeky holes.

  Peeky holes are what you spy out of.

  Then if you see somebody coming, you can make your breath very quiet. And they won’t find you.

  I spied for a long time. But nobody came. The only people in the Media Center were just me and some fish.

  The fish were in a big glass tank. I waved at them in there. Then I stirred them with a pencil.

  I love fish very much. I eat them for dinner with coleslaw.

  Just then I saw my most favorite thing in the whole world! Its name is an electric pencil sharpener! And it was sitting right on the libra
rian’s desk!

  “Hey!” I said very excited. “I think know how to work that thing!”

  Then I looked in the desk drawer. And guess what? There were lots of brand-new pencils in there!

  And so I sharpened them!

  It was funner than anything! ’Cause an electric pencil sharpener makes a nice noise. And you can make pencils as teeny as you want. You just keep pushing them into the little hole. And they just keep on getting teenier and teenier.

  It doesn’t work on crayons, though. I tried a red one. Then the pencil sharpener slowed way down. And then it made a rrrrr-rrrrr sound. And after that, it didn’t go anymore.

  Just then I heard a noise! It was walking feet. And it made me scared inside. ’Cause I didn’t want anyone to find me, that’s why!

  And so I squatted way down and looked through my peeky hole.

  Then I saw a man with a trash can! He was singing “Somewhere Over the Rainbow.” That’s a song I know. It’s from my favorite movie, which is called The Wizard of Odds.

  The man with the can didn’t see me. He walked down the hall. Then I heard him go outside. I stayed squatted down for a long time. But he never came back.

  “Whew! That was a close one!” I said.

  And so then I ran to find a better place to hide.

  8/The Dangerous Nurse’s Office

  Guess where I ran to? Straight to the nurse’s office, of course! ’Cause there’s those little plaid blankets to hide under!

  There’s other neat stuff in there, too. Like a scale to weigh yourself. And a sign with a giant E and other letters.

  The nurse uses the sign to test your eyes. She points to the letters. And you have to yell out their names.

  You have to yell the E the loudest. That’s how come it’s so big.

  And guess what else I saw in the nurse’s office? Band-Aids, that’s what! I love those guys!

  They were on top of the desk. And so I opened the lid. And I sniffed them.

  “Ummm,” I said. ’Cause Band-Aids smell just like a brand-new beach ball.

  Then I dumped them out. They were the most prettiest Band-Aids I ever saw! They were red and blue and green! And also yellow. Which is the color I hate.

  And they were different shapes, too. There were squares and circles. And some were that very long kind—which are called tangles, I think.

  I put a green circle on my knee. That’s where I fell down on the sidewalk last week. It’s mostly all better now. But if I press it very hard with my thumb, I can still make it hurt.

  After that, I put a blue tangle on my finger. That’s where I got a splinter from the picnic table. Mother pulled it out with tweezers. But there’s still some table in there, I think.

  Also, I put a red square on my arm. That’s where Tickle scratched me. Because I got him all wound up.

  Just then I saw the nurse’s purple sweater. It was hanging on her chair.

  I put it on.

  “Now I’m the nurse,” I said.

  Then I sat down. And I pretended to call the hospital.

  “Hello, hospital? It’s me, the nurse. I need some more Band-Aids and some aspirins and some cherry cough drops. Only not the kind that make your mouth feel freezy.

  “And I need some lollipops for when kids get needles.

  “And also I need a little stick or something in case I have to touch that dangly thing that hangs down in your throat.”

  Then I pretended to call Room Nine.

  “Hello, Mrs.? Please send that Jim to my office. I have to give him a shot.”

  Just then I saw my most favorite thing in the whole world! They were near the door. And their name is crutches!

  Crutches are for when you break a leg. Then the doctor puts it in a big white cast with just your piggies sticking out. And you can’t walk on it. And so she gives you crutches to swing yourself.

  I ran over and picked them up. Then I put them under my arms. Only they were way too long for me. And I didn’t swing that good.

  And so then I got another idea! I carried them to the nurse’s chair. And I climbed up there so I was real tall. And then I put the crutches under my arms. And they fitted just right!

  After that, I stood on the edge of the chair. And I leaned forward very slow.

  Except then a terrible thing happened! The chair was on wheels. And it rolled away from my feet! And I got stuck on the crutches way high in the air! And I was very dangly up there!

  “HEY!” I shouted. “GET ME DOWN FROM HERE!”

  Then I wiggled around. And one of the crutches slipped. And I came crashing down! And I banged my head on the desk!

  “OW!” I yelled. “OW! OW! OW!”

  Then I picked up the phone again. “I quit this stupid job!” I said.

  And then I ran out of there very fast.

  ’Cause the nurse’s office is a dangerous place.

  And crutches aren’t my favorite thing.

  9/Zooming Speedy Fast

  I like running inside the school.

  It’s funner than running inside your house. In school you can zoom with your arms out like a jet plane. And you don’t knock over the furniture. And also the head doesn’t get broken off your mother’s bird statue. Which used to be a blue jay, I think.

  I zoomed straight to the cafeteria. ’Cause there’s a lot of tables to hide under in that place. Only when I tried to open the door, it was all locked up!

  And so then I ran to another room across the hall. Only that stupid door was locked, too!

  “Hey! Who did all this dumb locking?” I asked.

  Then I started jiggling up and down. ’Cause I was having a little bit of a problem, that’s why. The kind of problem that’s called personal.

  And it’s about going to the potty.

  And so all of a sudden I had to run down the hall speedy quick!

  Right to the girls’ bathroom!

  Only guess what? When I got there, that stupid door wouldn’t open, either!

  And so I kicked it. And I hanged on the handle. ’Cause I weigh thirty-seven.

  “OPEN UP AND I MEAN IT!” I yelled.

  But the door kept on staying shut!

  “IT’S A ’MERGENCY!” I shouted.

  And then all of a sudden I remembered about that boy I can beat up! ’Cause he had a ’mergeney, too! And he got to go into the boys’ bathroom!

  And so I zoomed across the hall. And I pulled on the boys’ bathroom door. But that dumb thing was locked, too!

  “STUPID, STUPID DOORS!” I hollered.

  After that, I started to jiggle up and down very fast. “OH, NO! NOW I’M GONNA HAVE AN ACCIDENT ON MY SKIRT THAT LOOKS LIKE VELVET!”

  Only just then I remembered something else about ’mergencies. ’Cause Mother told me what to do if I ever needed help.

  And its name is Call 911!

  And so then I ran back to the dangerous nurse’s office. ’Cause that’s where the phone was, of course! And then I picked it up. And I pushed the 9! And the 1! And another 1!

  “HELP! THIS IS A ’MERGENCY!” I yelled. “ALL THE DOORS ARE LOCKED IN THIS PLACE! AND NOW I’M GOING TO HAVE A TERRIBLE ACCIDENT!”

  Then I heard a voice on the other end. She said for me to calm down.

  “YEAH, ONLY I CAN’T! ’CAUSE I’M IN BIG TROUBLE! AND I’M ALL BY MYSELF! AND I NEED HELP REAL BAD!”

  Then the lady said to calm down again. Except for I couldn’t stand still! And so I just hung up and ran right out of there.

  And I just kept running and running till I got to the big doors at the end of the hall.

  And then I runned right outside! ’Cause maybe there might be a little toilet out there or something.

  Except I didn’t see one. All I could hear was sirens! Loud sirens were all over the place.

  And they kept on getting closer and closer! And then a big green fire truck came zooming right around the corner! And a white police car! And a fast red ambulance!

  And guess what else? They turned right into the school park
ing lot!

  And so I stopped jiggling for a second. And I sniffed the air. Only I couldn’t smell any smoke!

  Then I heard a grouchy voice. “HEY! HOLD IT, MISSY!” it yelled.

  And I got very scared inside. ’Cause missy’s my name when I’m in trouble.

  I turned around. It was the man with the can! And he was running at me!

  “HOLD IT RIGHT THERE!” he hollered again.

  And then I started to cry.

  “Yeah, only that’s the trouble. I can’t hold it!” I said. “I already holded it all I can! And now I’m having a ’mergency! And all the bathrooms are locked! And now I’m going to have an accident very quick!”

  And then the man with the can didn’t look so grouchy anymore.

  “Well, why didn’t you say so, sis!” he said.

  Then he pulled a big bunch of keys out of his pocket. And he grabbed my hand.

  And then him and me zoomed back into the school! Speedy fast!

  10/Me and That Grace

  The man with the can unlocked the girls’ bathroom for me. And I ran right in there.

  And guess what? I made it! That’s what! I didn’t have an accident on my skirt that looks like velvet!

  “Whew! That was a close one!” I said.

  Then I washed my hands at the sink. And I looked in the mirror. And the gold star was still on my forehead!

  It looked very beautiful up there!

  After that, I went into the hall and the man with the can bended down to me.

  “Everything okay, sis?” he said.

  And so I nodded my head. “I holded it,” I said very happy.

  Then all of a sudden there were lots of people running at us.

  There were firemen. And policemen. And there was a tall lady rolling a bed on wheels.

  “Hey!” I said to the man with the can. “What happened? Did somebody get runned over in here or something?”

  Then I saw Mrs. and Principal and Mother. They were running at us, too.

  And then Mother bended down and hugged me very tight!

  After that everyone started talking at once. And nobody was using their quiet voices. And nobody was smiling either.