and That Meanie Jim's Birthday Read online

“Moving?” he said. “Oh no! You can’t be moving! If you move, then you won’t be able to come over to my house on Saturday!”

  I crinkled up my eyebrows at him.

  ’Cause this conversation smelled fishy, that’s why.

  “Yeah, only how come you want me to come to your house?” I asked. “And how come it has to be on Saturday?”

  “Because Saturday’s the day I do my work around here, remember?” he said. “You’re still my little helper, aren’t you?”

  I thought very careful.

  “Yes,” I said.

  On account of sometimes I help Grampa fix stuff. It is called odd jobs, I think.

  “Are you doin’ odd jobs?” I asked him. “Is that why you want me to come there?”

  “Sure I’m doin’ odd jobs,” said my grampa. “But I can’t do them without my helper, can I? You’re the one who wears the tool belt, aren’t you?”

  I smiled very proud. ’Cause Grampa Miller’s tool belt is the bestest thing I love. It has a jillion tools hanging off of that thing. It wraps around me two whole times. And I don’t even cave in.

  Just then, Grampa Miller made his voice real quiet.

  “You haven’t even heard the best part yet,” he whispered. “Guess what I’m going to be fixing?”

  I whispered back at him. “What?”

  Then Grampa said for me to hang on a minute. On account of he wanted to close his door. Or else my grandma might hear.

  “If your grandma hears, then she’ll want to be my helper, instead of you,” he said.

  I waited very patient.

  “Ready?” he said.

  “Ready,” I said.

  “Okay. I’m going to be fixing the upstairs toilet.”

  Just then, my mouth came all the way open.

  ’Cause fixing the upstairs toilet is a dream come true, that’s why!

  “Are you gonna take the lid off the top, Grampa? And are you gonna keep flushing it and flushing it? And are you gonna watch all the water go out of that thing?” I asked.

  “Sure I am! Of course I am! That’s half the fun of fixing the toilet! Right?” he said.

  “Right!” I said very excited. “Plus also I love that big ball that floats on the top.”

  “Me, too!” said my grampa. “I love that big ball, too! And so I can count on you, can’t I? You and I have a date on Saturday, right?”

  I thought some more.

  “Yeah, only I think there’s something you forgot, Grampa.”

  “What?” he asked. “What did I forget, little girl?”

  I raised my eyebrows at that sillyhead.

  “You forgot that I’m moving today.”

  5/Being a Buzzing Bee

  Grandma and Grampa Miller take turns baby-sitting me before lunch. Then they get me dressed for kindergarten.

  Except for today, Mother came home from work. And she got me dressed instead.

  She said she would drive me to school.

  “If I drive you, then you won’t have to see Jim on the bus,” she said very thoughtful.

  She got out my clothes for school.

  It was my jumper with the frogs on it.

  “Yeah, only guess what? I’m not even wearing school clothes today. On account of I’m moving. And so I have to wear moving man clothes.”

  Mother kept on trying to put that jumper on me.

  That’s how come I made my legs and arms real stiff. So they wouldn’t fit in there that good.

  Then me and Mother wrestled a teeny bit. And she stood me on my head. And she pulled my tights on me.

  “You’re not moving, Junie B.,” she said. “You’re going to school, and that’s final. Running away from your problems never solves anything.”

  “Yeah, only I’m not even running,” I said. “I’m calling Ryder Rents Trucks. And those guys will drive me.”

  Mother smiled. She tried to hug me. But I kept on staying real stiff.

  I stayed real stiff all the way in the car to school.

  Mother parked the car in the parking lot.

  Then she lifted me out the door. And she carried me real stiff to the playground.

  She stood me up in the grass.

  “Everything will be fine. You’ll see,” she said. “Just remember what Daddy and I told you. If anyone talks about the party, pretend it doesn’t bother you.”

  She kissed me good-bye on my stiff head.

  Just then, I heard voices hollering.

  “JUNIE B.! HEY, JUNIE B.! LOOK! LOOK WHAT WE GOT!” they hollered.

  I turned around.

  It was my bestest friends, Lucille and that Grace. They were running at me.

  “Look!” said Lucille. “Look what Jim gave us! It’s invitations to his birthday party on Saturday!”

  “It’s just like he told us, Junie B.!” said that Grace. “He’s really gonna have a petting zoo there!”

  I quick covered my ears with my hands.

  Then I closed my eyes. And I sang a loud song at them.

  It is called “I Can’t Hear You, You’re Not Even Botherin’ Me.”

  I sang it at the top of my lungs.

  “I CAAA-ANNN’T HEARRRR YOU!

  “I CAAA-ANNN’T HEARRRR YOU!

  “YOU’RE NOT E-VEN BOTHERIN’ MEEEE!”

  Then I kept on singing and singing that thing till they went away.

  Also they did the cuckoo sign at me.

  After that, I sat down in the grass all by myself. And I looked all around the playground.

  Lots of other children had invitations, too.

  “Darn it,” I whispered. “Darn it. Darn it. Darn it.”

  That’s when I saw that meanie Jim.

  He was giving an invitation to a boy named Crybaby William.

  Crybaby William is the scarediest cat in Room Nine.

  He is even scared of a teeny flea, I think.

  Just then, I sat up a little bit straighter.

  ’Cause I just got another idea in my head, that’s why!

  It was called, Hey! Maybe I can take William’s invitation away from him! ’Cause he won’t even chase me, probably! And so then I will have my very own invitation! And William can get another one from that Jim! And then everybody will get to go to the party. Including me!

  I stood up from the grass.

  Then I squinted my eyes at Crybaby William. And I started to run at him very slow.

  I runned faster and faster. Till finally, I was running as fast as a speeding bumblebee.

  I buzzed all around William zippity quick.

  His eyes couldn’t even follow me that good.

  Then I buzzed right in his face. And quick I grabbed that invitation out of his fingers!

  I runned my fastest to the swing set!

  And guess what?

  William didn’t even follow me! That’s what!

  And here’s more good news! William’s invitation didn’t even have his name on it! So that means it can be for anybody, probably!

  “Only now it’s mine!” I said. “’Cause I will put my name on it when I get to Room Nine! And it will be my very own invitation!”

  Just then, the bell rang for school.

  I put my invitation way down in my deep pocket. And I skipped very happy to my class.

  Mrs. was standing outside of Room Nine.

  William was standing with her.

  His nose was sniffling a real lot.

  I tried to skip past them. But Mrs. grabbed the straps of my frog jumper.

  She pulled me back.

  “Yeah, only I don’t actually think that is good for the outfit,” I said.

  Mrs. did a frown.

  “Junie B., did you take something that belonged to William?” she asked.

  “No,” I said. “’Cause his name wasn’t even on it. And so that means it is for anybody, I think.”

  Mrs. tapped her angry foot.

  “Was William holding an invitation, Junie B.? And did you snatch it out of his hands? And then did you run away from him?” she
asked.

  I smiled very cute.

  “I was a buzzing bee,” I said.

  Mrs. holded out her hand.

  “May I have it, please?” she asked. “May I have the invitation you took from William?”

  I rocked back and forth on my feet.

  ’Cause I didn’t want to give it to her, that’s why.

  “Yeah, only I think it mighta bounced out of my pocket,” I said.

  Mrs. bended down next to me. She leaned way into my face.

  “I want that invitation,” she said. “Now.”

  I did a gulp.

  Then I quick put my hand in my pocket.

  “Good news. I found it,” I said very nervous.

  “Give it to William,” said Mrs.

  Crybaby William put out his hand.

  I shoved it at him.

  “Here, Mr. Stinkyhead Tattletale Boy,” I said. “Here’s your stinkyhead invitation.”

  Mrs.’s eyes got real big.

  “Junie B. Jones! That’s quite enough! Now you go sit down! And I don’t want to hear another word. Do you understand, young lady? Not one more word.”

  And so that’s how come I walked very slumping to my seat.

  And I put my head on my table.

  ’Cause guess why?

  Laying low again, that’s why.

  6/Daydreaming

  Mrs. took attendance. Attendance is when you say, I’m here. Except if you’re not here, you have to be quiet.

  Also we said, I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America.

  That is called opening ceremonies, I think.

  After that, we sat down. And Mrs. passed out our workbooks.

  She told us the pages to turn to.

  It was work about different kinds of shapes. Like circles. And squares. And triankles.

  I am a breeze at that stuff.

  Only I couldn’t even concentrate very good. On account of I kept daydreaming about that birthday party.

  Daydreaming is just like night dreaming.

  Only it’s not night.

  And you’re not asleep.

  And you’re not dreaming.

  I kept on thinking about how everybody was going to that party.

  Only not me.

  I was the only one.

  In all of Room Nine.

  I wish Lucille and Grace weren’t going, too, I thought to just myself. ’Cause that would be nice sports of them.

  After a while, I tapped on Lucille.

  “You are my bestest good friend,” I told her.

  Lucille smiled at me.

  “You are my bestest good friend, too,” she said.

  I touched her new dress.

  “You look very precious today,” I said. Lucille fluffed herself.

  “Thank you. You look very precious today, too,” she said back.

  I touched her fingernails with polish on them.

  “I wish you and me could be twins,” I said.

  “Me, too. I wish you and me could be twins, too,” she said.

  Just then, my whole face got happy.

  “Lucille! Lucille! I just thought of something! You and me can pretend we are twins! And we can do everything just the same! And so on Saturday you can come to my house. And I will put nail polish on my nails, just like you! And you will stay home from that birthday party, just like me!”

  Lucille didn’t say anything back.

  I tapped on her.

  “How come you’re not talking, twin?” I said. “How come you’re not saying anything back?”

  “’Cause I want to go to the party, that’s why,” said Lucille.

  I did a huffy breath at her.

  “Yes, Lucille. I know you want to go to the party. But now you and me are twins. And twins have to do everything just the same. And so if I don’t go to the party, then you can’t go to the party, too. On account of that is the twin rules.”

  “No, it’s not,” said Lucille. “My cousins are twins. And one is a boy. And one is a girl. And they don’t do anything alike.”

  I jumped up from my chair.

  “Yeah, only that is not the kind of twin I want to be, madam!” I yelled.

  Mrs. snapped her loud fingers at me.

  “Sit down!” she hollered.

  Just then, that Jim I hate turned around in his chair. And he laughed real mean at me. ’Cause I was in trouble.

  “Turn around your fatty head!” I said.

  Only he didn’t turn it around. And so that’s how come I had to run to his table. And I had to turn it around for him.

  “JUNIE B. JONES!” shouted Mrs. “WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”

  “I am turning around his fatty head,” I explained.

  Mrs. hurried to where I was. Then she quick took my arm. And she marched me into the hall.

  She pointed to Principal’s office.

  “Go!” she said real angry.

  I did a gulp.

  “Yeah, only I’m not actually supposed to go there anymore,” I said. “’Cause me and Mother had a talk about it. And she said for me not to get sent there again.”

  Mrs.’s face got red as a tomato.

  She started counting numbers.

  “One…two…three…four…”

  And so that’s how come I hurried up and walked.

  ’Cause teachers who count numbers are the scariest kind there is.

  7/My Story This Time by Junie B. Jones

  Principal is the boss of the school.

  He lives at the office.

  I have to go there when I am unruly.

  Unruly is the school word for not being ruly.

  There is a typing lady there. She isn’t allowed to smile.

  “Sit down,” she said.

  She pointed at the blue chair.

  “Yeah, only I don’t actually like to sit there, remember that? ’Cause that is where the bad kids sit. And I am not even bad,” I explained.

  I explain that to her every time I go there.

  The typing lady leaned over the counter at me. She made her face look scary at me.

  “Sittttt dowwwwn,” she said.

  I sat down.

  Then I pulled my frog jumper over my face. So nobody could see me.

  “Pull your skirt back down,” said the typing lady.

  “Yeah, only I’m actually allowed to do this. ’Cause I have on tights,” I said. “See them? They are green with little tadpoles on them.”

  Just then, I heard Principal’s voice.

  “Well, well…Junie B. Jones. What a surprise,” he said.

  My mouth dropped all the way opened.

  “HEY!” I hollered from under my dress. “HOW DID YOU KNOW IT’S ME UNDER HERE? ’CAUSE YOU CAN’T EVEN SEE MY FACE!”

  “Lucky guess,” said Principal.

  After that, I uncovered my head. And me and him went in his office.

  I climbed up in the big wood chair.

  Principal looked very tiredish. He rubbed the sides of his baldie head.

  “Okay, let’s hear it. What’s your story this time?” he said.

  I sat up straight and tall.

  “My Story This Time, by Junie B. Jones.

  “Once upon a time, I didn’t get invited to a meanie boy’s birthday. And I am the only one in all of Room Nine who isn’t going. And so that’s how come I was moving today. Only Mother brought me to school very stiff. And then I was a buzzing bee. Only Crybaby William is a squealer. And Lucille won’t be a good twin. And so then Mrs. yelled at me. And that’s how come I had to twist that Jim’s head. And now I am sitting here in this big wood chair.”

  I folded my hands on my lap.

  “The end.”

  Principal put his head down on his desk.

  I peeked at him.

  “Are you laying low?” I whispered.

  He sat up again. Then he called my mother on the telephone.

  Those two talk very often.

  This time, they talked about the birthday party. And how I’m not invi
ted.

  After he hanged up, Principal looked nicer at me.

  “I guess sometimes we grown-ups think we’re the only ones with problems,” he said. “We forget that even when you’re little, life can be tough. Can’t it, Junie B. Jones?”

  “Yes,” I said. “Life can get your goat.”

  After that, me and him went out of his office. And he lifted me into the blue chair again.

  “I want you to wait here a minute,” he said. “There’s someone I have to talk to before I can get this settled.”

  “Yeah, only guess what? I don’t actually want to sit in this chair,” I explained. “On account of this is where the bad kids sit. And I’m not even bad.”

  Principal thought and thought. Then he snapped his fingers.

  “I think I might have the perfect solution,” he said.

  He went in his office and brought out a giant shopping bag.

  “What if we hide you under here?” he asked. “If we hide you under this bag, no one will be able to see you at all.”

  I jumped up and down very excited. ’Cause hiding is my favorite thing in the whole world, that’s why!

  Principal sat me down in the chair.

  He put that giant shopping bag over my head.

  “HEY! WHO TURNED OUT THE LIGHTS?” I said.

  Then I laughed and laughed. ’Cause that is called comedy, of course.

  I bended my knees and pulled them under the bag. I hugged them real tight.

  “Now all you can see is the tippy-toes of my shoes!” I said very happy.

  “This is the perfectest solution I ever saw! And so how did you even think of this wonderful thing?” I asked.

  Only Principal didn’t answer me back.

  ’Cause he probably went back to his office already.

  After that I hided and hided inside my bag.

  I hided a real long time.

  It was a jillion years, I think.

  “Guess what? This is taking longer than a minute,” I said from inside there.

  The typing lady didn’t answer me.

  “Yeah, only guess what else? My knees are very bended and squished in here,” I said. “And so this isn’t good for my circlelation, probably.”

  Just then, my legs started squirming all around. ’Cause I was getting ants in my pants, that’s why!

  “HEY! DOESN’T ANYBODY HAVE EARS? GET ME OUTTA HERE RIGHT NOW! ’CAUSE I AM AT THE END OF MY ROPE IN THIS THING! PLUS ALSO I AM GETTING ANTS IN MY…”