Dear God, Help!!! Love, Earl Read online

  I continued talking to Rosie. “It’s going to be a peaceful, happy land. A land where people have to be nice to each other or the army chases you over the border.”

  Finally, Maxie spotted the note sticking out of my jacket pocket.

  “Whew! Good,” he said. “For a second there, I thought you didn’t write it.”

  He pulled it out of the envelope and read out loud:

  Dear Edward,

  If it’s not too much trouble—and if you haven’t made other plans for after school—I was wondering if you could please meet me behind the big tree in the corner of the playground at three o’clock.

  If not, don’t worry about it.

  Love (the brotherly kind),

  Earl

  PS: Kindly come alone.

  PPS: Peace be with you.

  Maxie glared at me. “Does this sound mean to you, Earl?” he asked. “Huh? Does this sound like the kind of note that will make Eddie mad? I told you a hundred times … if Eddie’s not angry, The Plan won’t work.”

  He ripped a new piece of paper from the notebook and scribbled down some words. This time when he read, even Rosie looked grim.

  Ed,

  After school, dude. Behind the big tree in the corner of the playground. Just you and me.

  And come alone, chicken. Or ELSE!

  Earl

  He folded up the new note and shoved it in my pocket.

  I turned back to Rosie. “I’m going to miss you when I’m in my new foreign land. You’ve been annoying at times, but I’m still going to miss you.”

  Frustrated, Maxie ran his fingers through his hair. “Come on, Earl, get a grip, okay? We’re going to do this, and that’s that. Now let’s go.”

  After that, he turned and started walking to school. Rosie did, too. And you could tell by the way they did it that they thought I would automatically follow.

  I didn’t, though. I mean, part of me really wanted to follow. But knowing what I was going to have to do when I got to school was scaring me to death.

  So I just stood there.

  Frozen, almost.

  Then all of a sudden, it occurred to me. Maybe this was one of those “moment-of-truth” things that happen to a person sometimes. You know, one of those critical times in your life when you have to make a snap decision about what kind of stuff you’re really made of. Like whether you’re going to follow through with something you believe in. Or whether you’re going to turn around and run the other way.

  Time was running out.

  I closed my eyes and took a deep breath.

  Okay. Fine. Just this once, I’ll try to follow through, I thought. But it’s a one-time-only deal. And I definitely don’t have to be a good sport about it.

  I hollered at Maxie. “OH, ALL RIGHT. I’M COMING! I’M GOING TO DO IT. BUT YOU BETTER HOPE THIS WORKS, BUDDY BOY. BECAUSE IF IT DOESN’T, I’M GOING TO HUNT YOU DOWN AND SQUASH YOU LIKE A GRAPE!”

  I heard that line on TV one time, and I’ve always wanted to use it. It felt good, too. I swear.

  After that, I took the note out of my pocket and crossed right in the middle of the street. Not at the crosswalk.

  Before I knew it, I was standing at the front door of the school waiting for Eddie McFee.

  Maxie and Rosie arrived a couple of minutes later.

  “Okay. Are you happy now, Einstein?” I said to Maxie. “See me? I’m waiting for Killer McFee with my nasty note, okay? Now you’ll get to be the big wizard behind The Plan, and I’ll get to be the dead rotting body behind the big tree after school.”

  I knew I was a little out of control, but growling at Maxie seemed to give me the courage I needed to keep standing there.

  Just then the bell rang.

  Rosie gave me a hug. “You can do this, Earl. I know you can,” she said.

  Maxie gave me a thumbs-up. “You’ve got nothing to worry about. I promise.”

  A second later they were gone, and I was standing there all alone. Waiting for Eddie.

  My heart was pounding so hard I thought it would come right through my chest.

  Desperately, I closed my eyes and shot up a quick prayer. Dear God, HELP!!! Love, Earl.

  When I opened them again, Eddie was coming around the corner of the building.

  I sprang at him. “Hey, McFee!” I yelled. Then I shoved my note into his hand. “This is for you!”

  After that, I took off for my classroom as fast as I could.

  * * *

  I still don’t know where I got the nerve to meet Eddie at the tree that afternoon. I guess way deep down, I knew that Maxie and Rosie wouldn’t let anything really bad happen to me. But still, I was the scaredest I’d ever been in my entire life.

  Halfway to the tree, I stopped and tried to puke. Nothing really came up, though. Just the taste of my last Rolaids.

  I didn’t have to wait long before I saw Eddie storming toward the tree. He wasn’t alone, either. He was bringing his two giant fists along for support.

  When he got to where I was standing, he took out the note I had given him that morning and tore it into a million little pieces.

  “Okay, open up, Wilber,” he said. “You’re gonna eat this.”

  Quickly, I reached into my pocket and pulled out the picture I had drawn the night before. Then I held it up in front of Eddie’s face.

  “Whoa, hold it, Ed. Before you go getting all violent, you ought to take a look at this,” I said.

  My voice cracked a little, but I kept on going. “See this picture I drew last night? It’s a picture of you and me. Look at it, Eddie. You’re the guy in the red cape. See? I made you look like a superhero, sort of.”

  I pointed. “And there, that’s me. I’m the kid you’re holding upside down. See the money falling out of my pockets as you’re shaking me?”

  Eddie snatched the paper out of my hands and stared at it.

  “Can you see what it says across your chest, Ed?” I went on. “It says, ‘Eddie McFee—Extortion Man.’ ”

  I swallowed hard. “You know what that means—right, Ed? Extortion is when you force people to pay you money not to hurt them. It’s kind of like stealing. It’s illegal, too, in case you didn’t know.”

  I forced a sick smile. “This is a pretty funny cartoon, don’t you think? I thought maybe I’d put it on the bulletin board in Coach Rah’s office. I bet he’d get a real kick out of it, don’t you think?”

  Eddie ripped the picture to shreds and sprinkled the pieces on my head like confetti. Maxie had told me something like that would probably happen. We’d even prepared what I would say when it did.

  I closed my eyes and swallowed hard. Then somehow I managed to get the words out of my mouth.

  “I have copies,” I said.

  That’s when Eddie McFee lunged at me. I tripped and fell backward over the base of the tree. Fast as anything, he was on top of me, pinning my arms to the ground.

  His face was as red as a firecracker.

  “Who do you think you’re messing with?” he growled. “Huh, you fat, sweaty creep? I’ll kill you!”

  I tried to tell him to get off of me. But all I could do was cough.

  Eddie bounced up and down on my stomach. “What’s the matter, feather belly? Are my muscles too heavy for you?” he said.

  Suddenly, Rosie’s voice came blasting across the playground. “HEY! GET OFF OF HIM, YOU JERK!”

  Then, just like we had planned, she and Maxie came running to my rescue.

  “I MEAN IT!” Rosie yelled. “EARL’S SICK! LEAVE HIM ALONE!”

  Eddie laughed. “Ooooh. I’m so scared,” he said to me. “The doofus and the dorkus are coming to save you.”

  Rosie and Maxie grabbed Eddie’s arms and tried to pull him off. But Eddie kept right on bouncing.

  “Rosie’s not kidding, Eddie,” Maxie told him. “Earl’s been at the nurse’s office all day. He even went for an X ray at lunchtime. They think he’s got something wrong with his—”

  Just then a loud whoosh of air came
out of my mouth.

  Maxie looked down at me. “Stomach,” he said.

  I groaned in pain and my eyelids started fluttering like crazy. Then I rolled my eyeballs back into my head and moaned again. “Auuuggghhh.”

  All at once, this gargly kind of gurgling noise came out of my mouth, and drool ran down the side of my cheek.

  Eddie got off me as fast as he could.

  “Gross,” he said.

  That’s when I went limp.

  Totally limp, I mean. My head rolled to the side. My eyes shut. And my tongue fell out of my mouth.

  After that, I didn’t move. Not even a muscle, I mean. I didn’t even breathe, hardly.

  I could hear Eddie’s footsteps backing away.

  “He’s faking it,” he said. “I didn’t do anything to hurt him. I wasn’t even bouncing that hard.”

  Maxie and Rosie knelt over me. But still, I didn’t move.

  It seemed like forever before Rosie finally whispered, “Okay. It’s all clear.”

  I opened one eyelid.

  Then the other.

  I felt my stomach and breathed a sigh of relief.

  The first step of The Plan was over.

  And I was still alive.

  *7* RUBY DOOBER AND FRIEND

  Click.

  It was Saturday morning, and I was sleeping.

  Click. Click.

  At least I thought I was sleeping.

  Click.

  I opened one eye.

  Zap!

  A bright light flashed in my eyeball.

  I pulled my covers over my head.

  “He’s awake,” I heard a voice say.

  With my heart pounding, I looked over the top of my sheet. Rosie Swanson was just sitting down on the edge of my bed. Maxie was standing next to her with his flash camera pointed straight at my face.

  I rubbed my eyes. “What the heck?”

  “What do you mean, ‘What the heck’?” Max said. “We told you we’d be here at nine-thirty to start taking pictures, remember? You were supposed to be all dressed and ready to go, Earl. Only what do you know? It’s after ten, and you’re still in bed.”

  Rosie patted my foot. “Don’t worry. He’s not as mad as he sounds,” she told me. “The truth is, it worked out pretty good this way. Your mother let us in. So we took a bunch of pictures while you were sleeping.”

  She paused. “You drool an amazing amount, by the way,” she added.

  I covered my face with my hands. “No, no, no! I can’t believe you did this. Why in the world did you take pictures of me in my pajamas? I was supposed to looked dignified, remember? I was going to wear a suit and tie! Geez, you guys! These are the worst pajamas I have. They’ve got a big tomato juice stain down the front!”

  Maxie shrugged. “Actually, we liked the stain,” he said. “And besides, it’s all the pictures we have time for right now. Your mother just hollered that you’re leaving for the funeral in half an hour.”

  I squirmed a little bit. Oh, geez. The funeral. I had almost forgotten. There had been a new development with the funeral that Maxie didn’t know about yet. And I was pretty sure that he wasn’t going to like it.

  I fidgeted some more. “Yeah, well, it’s funny you should mention the funeral, Max,” I said. “Because last night, something sort of came up about that, that you’re probably not going to want to hear. But, well … my mother told me that—”

  Maxie cut me off. “No, Earl. No. Please. Do not tell me any bad news about the funeral, okay? As long as they didn’t cancel it, just keep any bad news to yourself.”

  I took a deep breath. “Yeah, well, they’re still having it, all right,” I said. “It’s just that last night Mom gave me some information about the … uh, the deceased, I guess you’d call him. And I think it might present a few extra problems.”

  Maxie put his hands over his ears. “No!” he said. “No more problems. I was up almost the entire night going over this thing again, and I’m right on the edge, okay? So as long as they’re having the funeral, I can’t take one more problem.”

  “But—but—”

  Maxie interrupted again. “No. I’m serious. Listen to me, Earl,” he begged. “Yesterday at the tree, you were so amazing with Eddie that I actually got goose bumps watching you. Goose bumps, Earl. The lumpy kind that don’t go away when you rub them. That’s how good a job I thought you did. And it’s also why I was up all night worrying about today. You got us off to such a perfect start, I can’t stand the thought of anything going wrong. So let’s just keep everything simple, okay? Just take the camera to the funeral like we planned. Get the pictures that we talked about. And forget whatever your mother told you about the deceased.”

  Rosie looked at me suspiciously. “Wait a second here. You’re not turning chicken, are you, Earl? Like you’re not afraid of the deceased or anything, right? I mean, I don’t like funerals, either. But there’s nothing to be afraid of. I went to my great-uncle Moe’s funeral last year, and he was hardly even scary. In fact, he looked exactly like he did when he was alive, except he was wearing makeup and his socks matched.”

  I felt insulted. “No, Rosie. I’m not afraid of dead people, okay?” I said. “But what I’m trying to tell both of you is really, really important. The thing my mother told me about the dead guy is that—”

  Maxie plugged his ears again. “I CAN’T HEARRRR YOUUUU! I CAN’T HEARRRR YOUUUU!” he sang loudly.

  Then, before I could say another word, he put the camera down on my bed, grabbed Rosie by the hand, and ran out the door.

  The funeral started at eleven. My mother and I picked Ruby Doober up at ten-forty-five. Ruby Doober is the old lady whose friend had died.

  “I hope it’s all right that I brought my son along,” my mother told Ruby. “He expressed an interest in coming, and I think he’s old enough to understand these things.”

  Ruby Doober nodded quietly. Then she waved her hanky at me and blew her nose. After that she kept on blowing it the entire way to the funeral home. When we finally got there, she pulled out a package of travel tissues and tucked them behind her belt buckle.

  A funeral man met us at the door. He put his arm around Ruby Doober’s shoulders and took us in to see her friend.

  At first, my mother and I stayed in the back of the room while Ruby went to the casket. I wasn’t nervous being there. Not even a little bit, I mean.

  “Ohhh, he looks so wonderful!” we heard Ruby say.

  She turned and motioned to Mom and me. “Please come look at him! Please come see my big, wonderful fella!”

  Slowly, my mother and I walked over to the casket.

  Mom smiled. “Oh, yes. He really does look wonderful, Ruby,” she said.

  Ruby reached for my hand. “What do you think of him, Earl?” she said. “What do you think of my big guy?”

  I shifted uneasily. Since this was my first funeral, I wasn’t sure of the words I was supposed to use.

  Finally, I cleared my throat. “I think they cleaned him up real good, Miss Doober,” I said.

  Ruby Doober nodded. “Yes,” she said. “They really did, didn’t they? Look. They even got that stubborn food stain off his beard.”

  I leaned a little closer. “He practically looks alive, you know?” I said. “It’s like any second he could jump up out of that casket and start chasing us around the room.”

  Ruby Doober grinned at the thought of it. Then she reached into this big cloth bag she was carrying and pulled out an old, chewed-up Frisbee.

  Gently, she laid it in the coffin.

  She sighed. “Playing Frisbee together was our favorite outdoor pastime,” she said. “My big fella here was a champ, you know.”

  After that she reached down into the coffin and rubbed her friend’s ears.

  “Poor old Bobo,” she said.

  “He was such a good old dog.”

  After Ruby Doober finished scratching Bobo, the three of us drove to the pet cemetery. The funeral man said he would meet us there.

&n
bsp; I was nervous as anything waiting to see what it would be like. But as soon as I saw the gravestones, I breathed a sigh of relief. I had been afraid that it wouldn’t look like a regular cemetery. But it did. Exactly, in fact.

  There were headstones on each grave. And green grass and flowers. I even saw a couple of those little American flags stuck in the ground.

  The second my mother stopped the car, I grabbed Maxie’s camera off the floor and hopped out.

  Ruby Doober gave me a funny look. “What’s that for?”

  I started to stammer. Even though Maxie had coached me about what I should say if this question came up, I wasn’t sure I could pull it off.

  “Uh, well, actually, this camera belongs to my friend Maxie Zuckerman,” I said. “See, Maxie’s doing this report on funerals for school. So he asked me if I would mind taking a few pictures to show how pretty and peaceful these places are. That they’re not scary and all, I mean. That’s okay with you, isn’t it, Miss Doober?”

  Ruby turned in a circle and scanned the grounds. “You know, it is pretty and peaceful here, isn’t it? I should have brought my camera, too.”

  I relaxed and began clicking pictures. I’d already taken three or four by the time the funeral man pulled up in his station wagon.

  After he unloaded the casket, I took a shot of it sitting on the ground. Then I snapped a couple more of my mother and Ruby standing next to it, real solemn and all.

  Finally, we all stood by the grave while the funeral guy read a little dog prayer.

  Ruby Doober dabbed at her eyes and blew her nose a hundred more times.

  When we walked back to the car, she held my hand again.

  “I think my big fella would have liked you, Earl,” she said.

  I smiled. “I think I would have liked him, too, Miss Doober,” I said.

  It kind of made me feel bad saying that. Sort of dishonest, I guess you’d say. Knowing how I had used her and all, I mean.

  But then I remembered about Eddie McFee. And about how Ruby and Bobo were really helping me pay him back for all his terrible meanness.

  I felt better after that.

  I think Bobo would have approved.

  *8* DEAD WITH A CAPITAL D